The patient shook his head gingerly as he slowly regained consciousness.
"Well, Doc," he asked, "tell me was the operation a success?"

"Sorry, son," was the reply. "I'm afraid I'm not your doctor, I'm Saint Peter."

found a 'cute' one.
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

The following text is unediting, save for names. typed saturday afternoon.

Ok, I really want to talk about this. It's something I wanted to put on here probably since I first made this page. It's about a girl I've been seeing. Now, this is really a journal entry, and no one should read this. Obviously I have some sick facisnation with people reading directly into my mind. I don't mind, but I want you to feel just a little guilty about reading this. That's the strange thing about myself. See, I don't like to hide things. I hate being quiet, and I want to talk about everything that bothers me. Fortunately, I have three really good friends. They are friends that I don't tell the same things to each, but spread out everything on my mind between the three of them.

Well, I'm seeing this girl right? Let's call her "M" for less confusion. Strange things about this. M was my boss's sister where I used to work. And these two live together. Ok, it's weird to go over to her place, and hang out with my boss. For starters, I sucked bad sometimes at work. The longer I worked there, the more difficult is was to do the actual job. That made it really akward to hang out there. You know, the three of us all working there, what are we going to talk about mainly? Right, well, it just wasn't a comfortable situation. I don't know if my boss was cool with it, you know what I mean. That's all over with now, its no big deal now that I don't work there anymore. But there was so much involved just in that alone.

Ok, when we first started seeing each other, M was all against the relationship thing. Which is cool, I can totally respect that. I liked her big time though, so it was tough for me. And i think her view on this was to do everything that 'couples' do, but not have any titles. Ok, that's cool, but then it goes back to the whole work situation. How can I really do that, and have such a public relationship. So it started out really wierd.

Well, things progress, and my opininon is that we are basically together, without ever talking about being in an actual relationship. Few guidelines were ever set out for myself early in the relationship. I know I should have talked to M about this, make things easier on myself. With every other girl that I've dated, I would have too, but converstaions like that were always akward. We'd talk for hours about it, and I'd feel like I got nothing out of it. She never told me anything of value that I could use. A lot of times, M would bring up things like this, and then just wait to see where I would take it. Now, I'm really adaptive when it comes to girls. It's usually, whatever they want things to go, that's were we go. I think M thinks the same way, she always wants to know what I want, and I want to know what she wants. Sometimes, I really need to just go for it.

I absolutely love that M and I are sort of alike, because i think we really are. But things that I hate about myself, that I never really go after everything I want, and I'm not especially articulate when I need to have talks, it seems she is the same way. That's not to say M doesn't do that, she is much better with it than I am.

Now, I'm a big overanalyer, which sucks ass. I'll take the littlest situation, and break it down 5 times, 5 different ways. Each one seems to get worse and worse. I'm horribly optimistic too, so it's the hardest thing. Could you imagine thinking of the worst thing of a situation, but being an optimistic person. Yeah, I mean, maybe that's not optimistic.

Let me put this into a situation. B tells me she is going to her home state this weekend to hang out with some navy dude. Ok, yeah, I'm a little jealous about it, but if she tells me about it, it shouldn't be something to worry about. I should just leave it there. Then I start thinking a number of things.

I'll break it down more. My friend tells me some time ago, that we shouldn't hang out that much. Ok, that's fine, we were together all the time. She says that she is just a person who likes to have her alone time. I'm the same way, I always have some little project I'm working on, and our time spent together was taking away from that a little. She made sure that we were still 'ok' with that, and I told her that we were.

Now, with M telling me this story, maybe she is just getting me out of the way to move onto something else with another person. So I tell her, "you know, if you just want to be out of this, that's not a big deal'. M assures me that this is not the case, so I'm not going to worry. Well, if someone you only see very sparingly tells you that they are going to visit with some guy, there would be a little bit of concern, wouldn't there. I don't want to be the jealous type, because that's not my style. If I couldn't trust her, I wouldn't talk to her. But I know she only wants to be good friends...  ...  You understand my concern?

Ok, so we are not going to hang out that much anymore. Well, this is how it is. We see each other once a week. We talk on the phone 2-3 times a week. I hate talking on the phone, hate it, but there is one thing i hate more, and that's talking online. You can't accurately convey emotions online, however subtle they might be. I'm pretty subtle with my emotions, so emails, and IM's are not good conversations for me. Being home all day, I have total access to my computer. Well, M and I, our main form of conversation... Emails. We send emails to each other all day sometimes, just sending one or two lines "how's your day going" type stuff. Ok, that fucking sucks. I mean, I wouldn't want to talk to her on the phone for 15 minutes, just talking about that, because there would be an akward goodbye, but still, it sucks. There is has been this akwardness talking to her on the phone lately. I blame this on myself. I don't think I'm mentally prepared sometimes when she calls. Maybe I'm too prepared, and then I start thinking in advance before I answer.

I used to not be able to ask her to do stuff, because she didn't want a relationship. So I never ask her to do anything. Well, ok, we do have some sort of relationship, so things are easier, we are hanging out a lot, so it's not even an issue anymore. It's more or less assumed sometimes, and if I had something cool, then I could ask her. Then she doesn't want to hang out as much anymore. How can anyone expect me to ask them to do something after that. Now, I want to hang out with her so bad, but she doens't want to hang out 'that much anymore', so I'm so stuck. I get so pissed when we don't hang out on the weekends. I mean, if we are supposed to have anything, you are supposed to hang out on weekends, right? Even if it's just sitting around, cooking dinner and watching TV, playing a game of monopoly, I still would like to be around her. (she has that sort of magnetic personality, if you know her, you know what I mean, you just can't be around her enough, it's like crack, once you have it, you always want more, and you can never have enough) She bartends friday night and sunday during the day, so there is usually like, no time really. I get so damned pissed when we don't hang out on the weekend. I know, she should spend some time with her friends and stuff, but c'mon. I know, when I have the weeks where I am just dealing with people all the time, I would like to sit by myself for a night. She doesn't seem to get a whole lot of time to herself, and I think that's really important.

Maybe I'm just being selfish about the situation. Actually, I know that's totally selfish. I don't want to be taking up all of her time, I'd hate myself for it. That's how it's different for us, she's around all kinds of people all day, and I have softball, basketball, and a roomate that I get along with really well, and another friend that will hang out with me basically whenever I want to. But I do have a lot of time where I'm just by myself, so of course I start to miss her, and want her around. You are right, I'm selfish.

Sometimes, in my overanalyzing stages, I think M keeps me around just for a few reasons. I drive a truck, and she is moving in a few weeks. Ok, that's huge for moving purposes, I'll save her a shitload of money helping her. She doesn't have to find a whole lot of people, my roomate might be willing to help, I'll be a big help with that. And I love being helpful, so i'd be perfect there. Plus, she needs to move big stuff from Indiana, my truck is huge there. She is also taking two of my little kitties, but not till she moves in. Another good reason to keep me around.

Then the positive Doug kicks in... I thought the same sort of things when I quit work. That was the catalyst, we could talk at work, and get good face time, without having to spend a whole lot of time together. So I figured when I'd quit, it would basically be over. Obviously it's not, but, then I start thinking that maybe it is, since we never hang out anymore.

Do you ever feel like you are only hanging out with someone because of how good it's been in the past, and you just want things to go back to that way. There is good things with the future though, and as good as I think we've had it, if I can just talk to her about all of this, it's going to be way better after it. M is cool as hell, always has been. Definitely the coolest girl I've ever known. It was so good when we were hanging out a lot. I agree that it was too much, but maybe once or twice a week, and then on saturday night, that would be perfect. We've never really done that, maybe that's her ideal situation as well. See, I just need to talk to her, but sometimes I'm afraid of what she will say.

I know this isn't a good situation for me right now. I like this girl a lot. I think she is absolutely great. But, I can't talk to her like I could talk to any other girl I've known. I mean, I'm really not always myself when I'm with her. I hate seeming like I'm this person that I'm not with her, so maybe I'm being a little too dramatic. I want her to feel like she knows me though, and I probably haven't been doing a good job of that. I have to talk about all the little things that bother me. I'm fine with bottling things up with friends, but with girls, i never ever bottle things up, and I do on a daily basis with this friend. She brings out a lot of things about myself I never knew I had. I'm am always cool with her. I don't have a problem apologizing for things, which is huge for me. I always talk to her about things I know she isn't going to give a positive response to, but that's what makes her so great. She always keeps me level headed.

So basically, I really want a relationship (used loosely) with her. Nothing huge and serious though. I don't need the huge commitment, talk about kids, marriage, stuff like that. I want this... Hang out a few times a week, and go out and do something nice and fun with her on a saturday night. You know, good quality easy going relationship stuff. I think that's fair. All I really need is a little commitment. I am not a huge fan of that word, but I mean this. I don't want to have to worry about her trying to hook up with some guy when she goes out. And I don't want her to worry about me doing that. That's my optimum level of commitment.

I know that I should talk to her about this, but there is just something that is holding me back, and I dont' know what it is, but I'm started to feel that I shouldn't talk to her anymore. And I'm starting to think this all the time. Now this isn't right, because most of the issues and reasons for that are probably my fault. The problem is that she is so much of what i want in a girl, but that I just never know what she wants. She has always been good at saying stuff like, we hang out too much. She's been really forward like that, and that's great, you know, i don't have to guess, but I guess within a week of her saying that, I had no idea what she really meant by it.

We do our hanging out thing once a week, and it's usually such a great time. But I don't feel like I can kiss her, or that I can hold her, and she really seems to want that. So we are together, and we are total cool, but when we aren't, it's terrible.

When I talk to her, I usually think she wants to hang out, but she doesn't seem to want to ask me either. That's probably my fault. See, I talk on the phone, and sometimes I sound so damned depressed. Devin always tells me that. I shouldn't really expect a very happy response when I sound like that on the phone. Sometimes I'm in such a damn good phone mood, and then it's great. I don't think I make it exactly easy for her to ask me to do stuff.

I need to find a way to be more emotional with her. you know, find a way to accurately convey my feelings about her. I get scared sometimes though. You know, I don't want to totally commit to this girl, when she keeps me on such a loose leash, that I could easily run away from, or she can let me go at any time. If that is what she wants, then I can't be involved in that, I don't think anyone could. I do really want to just let it go and be all cool, and more friendly. I just don't think that she cares sometimes. I always ask myself, 'is it worth it to be emotional, when she doesn't care about you'. Can you understand that.

It could be so cool right now. I'm coming to terms with talking to her more about my personal stuff. I just want to know what she wants... ugh, I mean, I know what I want, but she doesn't know, so I shouldn't expect her to say anythign. Maybe she doesn't want anything. You know, just be cool, friends, or whatever. It's hard being friends with someone you really like though. There would be just too much sexual frustration for me. See, she is just hot as hell, so damned good looking... Can you really expect me to keep my hands off of her?

I like her because I can cook for her, she likes the things that I'm good at. Well, some things. She doesn't have any interest in my guitar playing, which is wierd. Most girls flip over that. I should take one of the gigs I'm offered in Oshkosh and bring her to it, maybe that would be cool.   !!  She doesn't have too much interest in my web designing skills, but that really isn't interesting. I'm so into computers right now, so I talk about that too much probably. Maybe I'm just boring her with my topics of conversation, maybe that's why she doesn't like hanging out with me as much. ugh, I'm not going to talk like that, that's lame. I like who I am, and I'm not going to be changing my interests to accomodate a girl

This is such a bad idea to post this. I think she might read this, and that is not really a good idea, but I want people that I don't know as well to read it. Maybe someone is going through a similar situation as well, and they could reference this. It's not a good idea if she reads this, because it's so one sided. It's one thing to sit and talk with someone about it, and hear a reaction to everything, and go from there. What this is, is basically a conversation. I'm goign to talk to her about all of this, then I'll post it, without changing anything. What this is though, it's like hearing only one person talk in a conversation. It's all the things I need to say, without hearing everything that she has to say. It could be really bad news, but if the conversation happens, then I really should post it, it'll bring credibility to this site, and maybe attract some outside readers. I really should get her permission about putting this up, she might not be cool with me spilling on of this on the public world. I'll tell you want, when I post this, I'll let you know how it went. I'm sure I'll be in a good mood about it, and eveything will have worked itself out. what am I waiting for?!

 Text Ommited 

Yeah! Two entries in one day. Can you tell I'm excited. I've decided to try and open up my own business. Website Development. Now I know, this site isn't anything to brag about, but I'll target the people who don't know anything about the internet. Design some websites for them pretty cheap. I do have a whole, 'master plan' for this. I've given it some thought, and not just jumping into it. I have almost everything I need, so why not? Seems good to me. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

Well, I haven't yet decided what sort of entries you'll see here. Basically, how personal I decide to get. I'm sure the things will work them out for themselves. I'll probalby end up just typing some personal stuff at first. You know, kind of forcing myself to do it, and then it'll become habitual and I'll do it all the time. Regardless, in the back of my head, I'll always be assuming that someone will be reading this, but I'll keep it long winded enough that the majority of you will get bored. At least the people who I worry about reading this. If you follow any of that.

Ok, So I am finally getting some good work done on the website. Actually, I've been working on it for a while. I don't think you understand how long it takes to edit pictures. I like to put a plain background on there so the picture looks better. For those of you who know my better. I'm sure you expected to see a picture of the lady friend on the home page. Well, a long story short, she made me delete all pictures I had of her on my computer. That's unfortuate. I guess I might have a reputation of exploiting people with the internet. That's a long time ago, where is the trust? Anyways, I'm using some great software to do all of my picture editing (paint shop pro, but eventually I'm goign to have to pay for it, so that pretty much sucks.

Some personal stuff to end my first entry... I havne't been doing too much lately, just messing with my computer, and enjoying my unemployed life for a bit. Eventually I'll have to get a job, but I don't desperately need the money right now. I'll be pissed off at myself by the end of the summer for thinking that, you'll see.

Lady situation is working out well I guess. I don't know what is going on with my current situation, but I think that is how it always is. I shouldn't worry, I'm a good looking guy, great personality, everyone likes me. I can play guitar. I'm smart. No, I'm not pitching myself to you.

Anyhow, I do want to get a bit more of this done before I'm on my way up to Casco, so maybe later I'll write about my kitties, and whatever else I'm in the mood to talk about.