December 2004

05.Dec.2004

Friday we got back from Grafenwohr. It's the weapons range for all the units stationed in Germany. Only the people assigned to the M249 (machine gun, or SAW), 50 cal, MK19 (grenade launcher), and Claymore mine went from our battery, because we are in the middle of a change of command. But the rest of the battalion was there. My battery didn't have to do much, since we only had a few people there. It was pretty chill, got a lot of sleep and such.

But I probably should have mentioned that I'm assigned to the SAW. I really don't consider it a good thing, as I don't get to carry my lightweight, easy to operate M16 anymore, I have this akward gun that is about 3 times as heavy. Don't get me wrong though, it was quite fun to qualify with. Probably the only time in my life that I will shoot a fully automatic weapon. But I only have to qualify on it every six months, so it's just going to be a burden for all the field problems coming up.

So I was gone all week, and surprisingly, I was pretty excited to see some of the people that didn't come. I don't know why, I spend all my time trying to hate everything in the army. It was a little messed up for me. Maybe because Graf was so boring, or it was friday night, or I didn't know anything that happened here the entire time.

07.Dec.2004

You know what is pointless? Making friends in the army. Actually, just getting to know anyone personally at all is pretty pointless. The only reason for me to ask personal questions (such as, where are you from, what did you do before you joined the military) is to fill in empty space so times aren't boring. Most of the time, I really don't give a shit.

Why is this, you might be asking yourself? Well, it's unbelievable the amount of people I've met, gotten friendly with, and now I will never see again. I've probably met as many people in the army at that level, as I've met my whole life.

So I'm going to do the same pointless bullshit. The whole, "hi, where are you from?" crap can go to hell. Actually, I decided a while ago (back in AIT) that someone needs to not be "the new guy" for two months before he can talk to me. I really don't want to be the person to tell him "how things are here", how the unit is, what a "typical day is like", where the "cool clubs" to go to are, who the "best person to learn my job" is. Man, I hate that shit. In AIT (because I was there forever), I was forced to assume the role of inprocessing new soldier's. So, if you were in AIT in El Paso when I was there, here's your typical first day...

Get off the plane, get picked up by a drill sergeant. Get messed with the entire time, then have to go into the basement in a strange building, getting yelled at the whole way. Hopefully, you didn't meet some AIT student that was there for 3 weeks already, because that meant he was better than you and could join in and play drill sergeant when the DS's weren't around. So you get downstairs, and you spend the next 2-3 hours getting smoked in the basement. Sweating as bad as you've ever been, nervous because this isn't really what you expected. Then you might wonder if it's ok to laugh at the guy crying in the corner, because he was expecting his wife to be able to join him here for his 3-9 month AIT. This thought was shot down by a Drill Sergeant a minute ago, when he told you life was about to be worse than basic training.

After you are sweaty, your clothes are wrinkled to hell because you had about 30 seconds to re-organize the bags you spent an hour packing from basic training, you get to meet me. The Drill Sergeant might introduce me as the guy to not be like. The guy who had to stay in AIT forever because he wasn't told proper things about security clearances, or his recruiter fucked him, or something came up so you better never lie to a drill sergeant, whatever they decided to say. Now, you had to respect this guy you just met because apparently the Drill Sergeant has a lot of trust in him, to just turn you over to him. Plus, he has this confidence that no one can mess with him, because, to be honest, no one really does. He's been here forever, he can meet all the stupid army standards with his eyes closed, and every single person in the battery goes to him to ask him a question instead of a Drill Sergeant.

So, you are lead into a small, uncomfortable room. It's now 2 am in the morning, but you don't feel that tired because you spent so much time "working out" on the floor. However, you can feel how late it is by looking at the soldier in front of you with the paperwork. His eyes have bags that hang to his knees, his postures slouched, he can't stand very long because he's been walking on tile floor all day with no shoes on. He begins to talk, and you listen, full of respect, because the drill sergeant respects him. He hands you a large packet of paperwork, and begins to tell you how to fill it out.

You don't pay attention to him though, after all, he is just a soldier just like you. You now start to get tired after sitting for a minute. Reality is setting in because there isn't a soldier with real rank on his collar. So you might zone out for a bit, looking off into a corner, wondering what your next 3-9 months are going to be like. Perhaps the real reason you are zoning out is because you don't understand a bit of the paperwork in front of you. You did join the army after all, so how intelligent can you be? You just spent the last 9 weeks under close scrutiny. You didn't have to think for yourself, you were told when and how long you could eat, you had specific times to shower, and learned how to do that in as little as 30 sec's.

You didn't go to college, hell, high school was difficult for you. This is the longest you've gone in your life without being drunk, or under the influence of some drug. Most of the people around you this is their first paycheck. So how are you supposed to understand the paperwork in front of you? You didn't go to college, you joined the goddamned army. How do I spell my name again?

That's the hell I went through every friday night for nearly half of my AIT. Usually three times every friday night. Sometimes I was in front of 30 soldiers, sometimes I was doing it for nearly one, however, the questions they asked where always the same. Honestely, after my third week on the job (of leading new soldiers through paperwork), I never heard a new question. I knew what they were going to ask, so before I even started the paperwork, I'd answer them all. Of course, all this was unbelievable to them. "You mean it's not like college?", "What! My recruiter told me I could smoke and drink all the time during AIT".

So new soldiers blamed me their first weekend there for things not going how they thought it would. They couldn't bitch to a Drill Sergeant, so they came to. Every little problem, every issue, be it army related, or wondering if they should divorce their wife, I had to be the person to talk to them about it. I heard everything, so I could answer just about anything, and if I didn't know, I knew how to find the information fast. Every goddamned weekend I had to deal with this.

So what makes you think I'm going to have the patience to tell some new soldier to my unit about things here? I'm not in charge, and I never really pretend to be. I avoid responsibility like the goddamned plague, unless something needs to get done and I'm forced to watch people stand around. A lot of soldiers I met in AIT I got along with quite well. Where are they now? I sure as hell don't know. Where are the guys that I got to AIT with? The guys I hung out with nearly every hour of every day for over 6 months? The guys that we knew just about everything there is to know about one another, because we were all that we had for entertainment? I don't know where they are. How about the 1000 other people I met? Gone, out of my life, leaving no effect anymore because there isn't any chance of seeing them again anywhere, and if we did, we wouldn't know each other's name, because we've all met a thousand other people like each other.

So what's the point of making any real friends in the army? What's the point of talking to people about the things that really bother you. Or even getting to a point where you are comfortable enough with someone to talk about stuff like that. So come to me and try to ask me how things are going in permanent party. Be the person that asks me what a 'typical day' is like, because you are probably going to hear something like, "wait two months until you talk to me again". That's been my response since before I got out of AIT. Things are less stressful then. It's not my role to teach anyone anything anymore. It's my role to follow orders. To be given a task and make sure it gets done. If you work with me, don't plan on fucking around, trying to sham, talking about anything important. We are going to get the job done, because that's what we are supposed to do. Go ahead and sit around, and try and be lazy, or wait for someone else to do something you should be doing, because you are going to get hell from me. I don't have the patience to watch someone else watch someone else. If you see someone working, you better be helping, otherwise I'm going to make you feel like shit for being a goddamned shitbag.

So that's a rant, and not really where I thought I was going to go with it when I first started typing, but I do have a good point. I never really wrote about AIT on here anyhow, so you just got a small glimpse.

Anyhow, I've decided I don't really need to tell anyone about myself anymore. What did I do before I joined the army, you ask? "Stole cars, did drugs, dropped out of high school and got a GED". Why did I join the army? "nothing else to do, needed to get out of my parents house" Whatever. I'll give the same responses everyone else gives. I'm tired of being a little bit different than everyone else I've met. Other guys assume I know stuff about life, then have to come to me with questions, then I feel the need to give advice, because I've been doing it nearly the whole time in the army. And I hate being the guy to give advice. It's probably all bullshit too, mainly I'm probably saying stuff just to get you to be satisfied and walk away.

Obviously, it's all pretty depressing. I think the first time it all hit me was when my pals from basic left AIT 5 months before I did, and I had to meet new people to hang out with. Now, people that I get along with here are starting to leave, and I know how it's going to suck after they are gone. I'm not a good person with goodbyes. Pretty much, yeah, I don't say them. I think everytime I left someone that I knew I would never see again, I said "see you later". Don't plan on seeing me at any "going away parties" I won't be there. No offense to you, not like it would really matter, but it's just not my style. Like I was saying, I'm never going to see you again, ever, so why should I worry about hurting your feelings? Phmfff... The army, while trying to promote comradeship and such, is just doing the exact opposite to me. I'm looking out for myself way more now that I ever did in my life.

Why? Because relationships with people you meet in the military are completely temporary, totally surface. It doesn't matter, 95 percent of your conversations are going to be about drugs, drinking, how bad we hate our job, how fucked up NCO's are, or how much we hate the army. What's the point in saying goodbye to all of that? I say good riddance to all of that. Really, it's a pleasure to see you go now.

Of course, there are two people I know who don't fall into this category. When we hang out, the last thing we talk about is the army. I would honestly say they are two real friends, and I don't say that very easy.

Anyhow, I think you've probably noticed how shallow and what an asshole I've become since starting to write again. The army is making me bitter. I'll give my advice (there's that word again) to people leaving, and say shit like, "don't waste time, start school right away, it'll be harder the longer you wait, don't try to go back to your life before you joined, or live like you are on a four day weekend in the army, you'll get no where." I honestly believe that's true, and I could probably say, objectively, that I'm giving good advice. However, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to need to practice being a normal person for a bit before I'll function correctly in society. The army fucks us up. I feel bad for the people who have been in since they are 18-19, and are getting out at my age now. I couldn't imagine how hard that's going to be for them, because I've sort of lived a normal grown up life. They haven't, and now they are being thrown into the mix of things without ever having to think for themselves the entire time in the army. Disappointing really.




12.Dec.2004

Ok, issues and things that came up this weekend. I didn't do much really, besides our battery christmas party, which i made my best attempt to get out of there as soon as possible. I'm not too much in the mood to hang out with people I work with. I know, all of you civilians out there might be thinking that it's just one night of the year to see everyone from work, and I would agree with that point... for you. However, I'm going to a party, to eat and drink with people I see in the barracks everyday, nearly all day. People I spend from 530 in the morning, to 5 at night, and many of them until about 11 at night. So it's not really a big deal. Plus, from past christmas party experiences, it's not always a good thing to be involved with. I first liked parties to see all these messed up things happening, then, a few companies later, I was one of the people that the messed up things were happening to, so it's best not to be involved.

Actually, it's mildly unfortunate we didn't have more females in our battery, because that's always what usually makes things interesting. For one time of the year, it would have been funny for more girls to be around. Oh well, I left before I even finished eating, and my meal was excellent. (for those of you who know what a big fan of eating i am, then you know this was not a cool place to be).

So I don't know why I've been so anti-social lately. I've had a discussion the other night about it all, but didn't really figure out to much. I just don't deal with loss very well, so why bother to be friendly. Being friendly with a lot of people isn't something that makes me happy.

Well, whatever, I'm not in the mood to physco-analyze myself. Which could bring up the question of why am I writing on this page at all? That's pretty much all I ever do here.

I've become a pretty closed person lately. I don't think I ever really was. I mean, you could ask me anything about how I was feeling about something, or my opinion, and I wouldn't hesitate to give it to you. I wouldn't hesitate to tell you how I felt about someone, or a certain situation, whatever. I'm not like that now. That's pretty depressing really. The army is messing me up. I'm trying so hard to stay the same person I was before I joined, but being around the people I am isn't letting me.

I realize i can be pretty self-centered all the time. Don't get me wrong, I won't hesitate to help someone out, and my intentions aren't really because it'll benefit me sometime. I swear I'm not like that. I know I know myself pretty well. You could throw a million situations at me, and I'll tell you exactly how I'd act in each one, probably even things I would say. You could test me as well, I'm that confident, but that's the problem.

So two things combine in the army. I've been a normal person for a long time, then I've joined the army. I've spent my entire life after high school until the army trying to do different things. Trying to figure myself out, find what I want to do, the people I want to associate with, but pretty much to gain life experience. I guess you could say that phrase "defines me as a person" to quote my good friend Brian. It's all about living life, and I'm not going to let anyone tell me I can't, and I'm not going to let anyone try to change how I feel about something, because there's a specific reason I feel that way.

Some might call that stubborn, or close minded, but I disagree. I think I just know myself, and it's hard for me to believe that one person, esp. someone I meet in the army is going to change that. Some might say that I have that effect on people, but that's bullshit too, because how do they know I'm not bullshit. How do they know I just didn't sit at home, living in my room playing video games until i got stagnant and felt i needed to do something else. How do people know that I really went to college, or I worked in a goddamned cubicle. That I lived in the middle of no where on a farm, but I also lived right in the middle of downtown Milwaukee. Because I told them? How can you trust me? Exactly. I've met too many bullshit people in the army to ever let someone I meet in the army affect me.

Maybe I'm getting to a point here, at least a point where I understand myself, and why I've been feeling this way. I think I misjudged someone I was beginning to feel was important to me. If there's something I can't stand, and tend to be really hard on myself for, it's incorrectly judging a person's character. Imagine meeting someone you think is cool, and you can hang out and will make you appreciate life and being alive more. Just basically someone you see as potentially, a good friend. However, something happens, and you realize you've fucked up. This person isn't anything what you thought they would be. Yeah, that's what happened to me.

I'm not the type of guy that makes friend's easily. It's not like it's hard to meet people, it's that most people aren't worth meeting. I understand any person could say one thing that changes your life forever, but is it worth it if you don't like hanging out with the person for more than an hour... that if you had to ride in a vehicle for more than 20 minutes you'd have nothing to talk about. No, I'd rather keep relationships on the surface level. Why attach yourself to something that's you know is going to break away eventually. If I did that I'd probably have nothing left, and my personality and character wouldn't be anything unique, it's just be a cornucopia of all the people I've met. (i suppose that's what most people are like anyhow), but the best people to meet are the people who think for themselves. The people who didn't join the army because they were bored, or just want to use the money for college. Once again, gaining life experience. That's the most impressive people you'll meet, in my opinion.

I've developed this nasty habit of saying things like, "in my opinion", or "that's just my thought". Just things to try not to influence anyone else's opinion. Right, those of you who know me well might think that's the last thing I'd say. I've might have tried to press my beliefs and opinions on everyone my whole life, but once again, I think this entry is getting boring.

So, perhaps I should write about current events in my life, and not just my thoughts. I just hate being army so much that I don't want to think about it ever. I know my pals out there would much rather hear about what's going on, so I'll give a rundown. Much safer anyhow, in case army people read this and find out too much about me.

So Brian, Harder, and myself are going with our commander and first sergeant to hang out with our german sister unit (they have the same job as us in the german army). I guess that's pretty cool, but I didn't find out until my platoon sergeant came into my room saturday night and started talking about Class A uniforms (I haven't worn mine since I've been here). That should be interesting I guess. Better than hanging out with my battery at least.

Tanner is coming to my platoon tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about that. He was in another platoon, even though his job title in the army is the same as mine. He outranks me by quite a bit, and I have a hard time hanging out with a "boss". It's hard to listen to someone you are friends with.

Tomorrow is also our change of command ceremony. Apparently, I have to hold the "colors". I don't even really know what that means, or what I'm supposed to do. All I know is my stuff is supposed to look better than everyone else's. My boots are pretty shiny, but I haven't bought a uniform since I joined the army. Mine has a few mildly noticeable stains, and some patchwork on it. (I do all my own needlework on my uniforms, so you can contemplate the quality).

Speaking of which, there's a few good skills I've learned in the army. I'm really good with floors, thanks to AIT. I can take a pretty crappy floor and make it pretty shiny. (if you consider than an important skill). I can shine shoes, which I really didn't think was very beneficial. But I've been shining some of my normal shoes, and I think it makes a difference. My old jobs I always bought the shoes that stayed shiny on their own. I think the biggest thing is how clean I've become. I would say my room is always pretty spotless, save for all the stains in my carpet from my shitbag roommate. I sort of like to clean it now. I spend money on cleaning supplies, and spend a few minutes every day cleaning it, and probably a good hour on the weekends. I can't stand to live in a dirty environment now.

I've been studying the hell out of my feng shui book. That stuff is quite interesting. I've learned a lot, and while some of it seems pretty bullshit, a lot of it makes sense. So once my shitbag roommate moves out, I think my room could be a pretty cool place to be in. And if you believe in Sheng Chai and Shar Chai, Yin and Yang, the armchair configuration, then my room just might be an actual healthy environment to be in. I don't know, I got some acupuncture therapy on my knee a few times, and that changed my life. Maybe I'm just curious to see if it all actually works, because right now what I'm getting out of it, it's making me superstitious to do anything when I'm facing to the west, even though I'm doing it right now. (don't worry, you probably have a different direction you shouldn't face, so don't get all superstitious about facing west).

You ever get the feeling that you hate skeptics? I'm willing to give everything a listen, and while initially I might blow it off, shrug the shoulders; if it makes sense, I'll probably end up researching it. I don't think anyone should just blow everything off. Does that make sense, or does that take credibility out of everything I've already said? I don't think so.

So, I decided I write in this page because I like to have an audience sometimes, but I might have said that before. I have my little journal I carry with me when I'm away from my computer, but it's definitely not the same as this page. I don't get too emotional on this page, and there's a whole story and comments I would love to have on here, but can't, because I have an audience. So I end up writing a lot. When I don't write in here much, that's because I'm being all emotional and shit and writing by hand. I guess that kills my whole rule I've put up already. Oh well, it's time to sleep. 530 formations kick my ass, esp when I'm writing at 1 and 2 am.




14.Dec.2004

So the other day, I was looking to order some incense online. I do the majority of my shopping on the internet, due to the fact that if I spend my money on the german economy, I lose 25 cents for every dollar I make. So, I order this incense, not realizing the fact that it was going to come from New Zealand. The worst thing about ordering products off the internet is that I get impatient. I want the stuff right away. So when I saw New Zealand, I was pretty disappointed. However, I think it all turned out to be a blessing in disguise, or perhaps, something that was just meant to be. I don't know, it felt like I was supposed to be ordering from that website.

So, being consumed with strange feelings, controller by a higher power if you will, I ended up looking around at their website. Don't ask me why, I never look at the "about us" pages, but something motivated me to dig deeper, perhaps even develop a relationship.

So I read about the family, and the stuff they like to do, seeing pictures from holidays they go on and such. Seriously, I can't imagine a cooler group of people. So then, I had to look up New Zealand stuff more. I'm pretty infatuated with the place now. Quite infatuated. I've decided I can't be a complete person without a trip their at some point in my life.

So, I got my incense today, hence today's topic of discussion. Pretty cool stuff, just like I expected. My room now smells terrific, all I have to do now is get rid of my roommate to clear out all the negative energy. It's all part of my feng shui studying I've been doing. I'm going to try to be pretty strict with the feng shui, take it pretty serious and see how it affects my life. Worth a shot, right? Now I'm getting off my point.

Packaged with my incense was a card. It looked like it was printed off a computer, but they had actually typed my name into the card. Pretty cool, right? I love it when people do that, like when they send me something off of eBay, and their is a personalized note. Now, if this wasn't cool enough, there is a hand-written note inside. How cool is that? So now I have a letter written to me from New Zealand. It might seem like I spent a load of cash, but I just spent the 20 dollar minimum so that I didn't have to pay for shipping. It just seems like they went to a lot more effort than necessary just because I spent a few dollars to get the stink of my roommate out of my room.

So, basically, I'm really happy, and I felt that I got a lot more out of my purchase than just a couple incense cones (actually, i got quite a bit for only 20 clams). So I was thinking that I might have to move to New Zealand after I'm done in the army, see what life is like in the Southern Hemisphere. But after my whole transaction today, I don't think I can wait. I need to get there pronto.

I've looked up flights, and to go around June, would cost me about 1500 bucks. So I'd need to do some saving. I'll sleep on the streets though, I just want to get there and see people for a while. It's going to happen. I've told Tanner and Brian about my plan, and they both seem pretty willing to travel with me, but I told them that if I go there, and it's everything I expect it to be, I just might not come back. Seriously, if it's half as cool as the place seems, I couldn't imagine coming back to some army bullshit. Right, always dumb shit on my mind.

So the change of command was pretty interesting. During our practice, I got play "battalion commander". Yeah, I pretty much had no idea what I was doing. It was funny as hell, at least for me. I pretty much couldn't stop laughing my ass off, which was also quite unprofessional. But it was monday, and monday's are always the best day's for me. I'm in the best mood usually, even though sunday night is usually the least amount of sleep i get during the week. The actual change of command I had to stand 'position of attention' style for a half hour. Not that long, but it sucked, being mildly cold and the battalion colors being quite heavy.

Afterwards, Cortez, Smith, Brian, Capt. Krauss and I traveled to Munich to hang out with the german army (and air force). We got there, and they immediately pointed out the bar to us, encouraging us to drink some beer with them of course. The beer was free, and we didn't eat anything. It took us probably two beers to get drunk (remember german beer is stronger). Then some of the more brave and friendly germans came up and started talking to us. So for the next five hours, the four of us got hammered and talked with the germans. It wasn't until Cortez got really 'american' for things to be uncomfortable. We still had a really good time. It really helped we didn't have to do PT this morning, and didn't have to work until 9, because the three of us were hurting. Our first sergeant and my platoon sergeant showed up to. Sgt Schultz (my plt. sgt.) was in rare form of course. Telling us to pick up raffle tickets because "everyone is a winner". Ha, too funny. He spent the week before our christmas party telling us to buy 50-50 tickets at the party.

Anyhow, times have been better for me. My roommate isn't moving out tomorrow like I had originally been told, I just want him gone by the weekend so fucking bad. I can't stand having all his negative energy in my room, he's killing my ch'i. i bet within two weeks of him being out of here, you'll see me as a different person. Exciting.

I used to end them like this, sort of my signature. I think I've had the same email signature for two years, or maybe not... here goes...

Hope all is well, and this diary entry finds you in good spirits,

- - doug - -

Perhaps I never ended one like that, but I felt it needed a setup. It's important to be able to make fun of yourself. Something Harder and Siglar help me with a lot.








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