Daily Entries Archived from June 6:7:2002 Hi, Yes, It's been a looooong time. Well, not really, only about a half of a month. Times been flying for me though. It's been pretty simple for me so far. Go out, get some business, come home, work on doing the stuff. It's fun, a lot of fun. I don't know if I can keep it up for a long time. People don't pay me right, stuff like that. That sucks. It's so cool if everything would work out like it does in my head. But everyone is different, each situation turns out different than how I expect it. I think I'm losing my "fire" too. I wish I could hire someone just to prospect for me. I should save up a couple thousand and move to Arizona at the end of July. I can have Dan work for me down there. Yeah right, I'm not going to do this down there. Or at least, not how I'm doing it now. Yeah, I'm more excited to move away than ever now. I was thinking about going to Canada. You know, just get away from all of the United States bullshit, and try a new culture. I'd like to move to the UK, but that's not going to happen. I'm too scared to do something like that. I'd have to visit a few times, establish myself. I just want to get away from everything though. I don't want to see my family anymore...that's another thing. Went home this weekend, saw my family. I haven't seen most of them in 8 months now, so it was a little strange to go home. I liked seeing my grandparents though. Actually gave my grandmother a hug. I don't think I ever volutarily did something like that, or at least, initiated the hug first. It's good to see people I know though. Heath hasn't been around in ages, So I'm really living all by myself now, and it's not cool. I hate being all alone. Met a girl a little while ago. Cool as hell, then she, out of absolutely no where, decides to move to Nebraska. Ok, see you later. So that was a whole, 2 week long relationship. She was all about me moving with her, knowing how much I want to get away. But not at this stage of my life. Move to another state with a girl I don't even know.... Yeah, I'm assuming you've realized I'm not talking about the girl I used to talk about a lot in here. Yeah, that's all over with unfortunately. I'm not going to mention names, or get into it, as she doesn't want to be on this website. I made a birthday card though. I bought Macromedia Flash MX (movie maker for the web) and my first project was that card. It pretty much sucked, it looked like something a grade school kid would do... So I didn't really want to send it, but I did anyhow. I'm getting better at it, sucks teaching myself all these things. So much stuff to learn, and the more I learn, the more I think I need to learn. I've learned more in these last two months, than I did in my entire two years at school. Not to downplay college at all, I've just been doing a lot of research... A lot of reading books at barnes and noble for the price of a Cafe Mocha ....mmmm....cafe mocha....mmmm.... Other than that, everything stills the same. Still designing web pages. Still busy. Still bored, Still anxious to get out of here. Get a Moped (bike) for when I move to AZ, which is going to happen, just have to save up some dollars so I don't have to work right away when I get there 6:8:2002 Lost both our softball games friday. That sucked. I hate losing softball games. It's fun enough, I have really good times. The guys we play with are fun, but losing blows. Don't worry, I play really well, and I have been, especially considering I only swing a bat at our games, in our games. No practice, nothing, and I'm hitting better right now than I think I ever have in my softball career. So that's cool. Lost my phone this week. That fucking sucks. Had to call Sprint to shut it off, and it's my main form of communication for my job. Shit does that blow. I called my insurance to see if my policy covers it, which it doesn't. Oh well, I'll live without a phone for a while I guess. I can't see spending another 150 on a phone right now, especially with the classes I just paid for, and all the software I've been buying. Interestingly enough, my friend that just moved out of state called me today. Don't know what's going on with that. I'm hoping she doesnt expect anything from the 'us' part. She lives out of state, c'mon now, no need to be calling. She's cool, really funny, easy to get along with, good looking, but I'm not going to have another relationship that consists of mainly emails and phone calls. I'm a face-to-face type of guy. That's how I do my best work. Of course, I've just had a failing attempt a while back, but my pride isn't hurt too bad. I could just never get comfortable, and I shouldn't have let myself get tied up too bad with all of that, knowing I could probaly never be fully comfortable with that person. Life goes on, probably, right when I get everything in order for my move out of state, I'll meet someone really cool, like, I was all ready to move at the new year, and then I decided to stay because of a cool ladyfriend. No, I'm not going to do that to myself, I'm moving no matter what. Can't sign a lease, can't establish estate in WI anymore. Must get out of this state. See...now I have to pysche myself up for it, so I don't mess up again. Hope all is well, and this message finds you in good health. Take care 6:10:2002 Monday, Monday, Monday. Nothing exciting happens for me anymore. Unfortunately, I don't have much to talk about. A previous collegue emailed me today. That was interesting. I wish so bad for that situation to work out the way I want it to, but it's not going to happen. I don't accept it either. I mean, I've thought it out pretty logically, and I know how it's going to be. But of course, I insist on punishing myself like I'm some sort of sadist. Oh well. Got to go see star wars pretty soon. I'm watching Black Hawk Down in a good situation tomorrow. That's a decent movie, and obvoiusly, tomorrow is it's DVD release. Other than that, not much. I'm looking for a good part time job. I'd like to work at a big electronics store, where I can get some mad discounts for the computer I'm building, and so that I don't work myself to death like I am now. It would be good to meet some new people too. Not like I'm going to hang out with clients of mine. The girls I met at Osco are kinda dumb, but it's companionship, so I'll put up with it. Nothing like meeting women at a drug store! Anyhow, a happy tuesday to you. I'll make something interesting happen to me within the week, and write up the story on it. Oh yeah, I'm done smoking now too. Haven't smoked in over two weeks now. The longest since I was a freshman in college. No real urges to start up again either, so I'm glad to be done with that. Very glad. 6:14:2002 Pink Floyd: Time Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death. Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over, Thought I'd something more to say. Well it's TIME for me to leave. So I'm going to live with my father for a bit, help him get back on his feet, work with my brother, Get my savings back up to where they should be, and move down to Arizona. It's been really swell here in milwaukee. I've met some great people. A ladyfriend that has influenced my life more than anything else could. I've tried so hard to forget everything these past few weeks, but she is not easily forgotten. Things didn't work out how I'd like them too however, and she didn't feel the same way I did. That's tough to leave behind though. I don't think people are taking me serious though. It's quite sudden though. It's going to be hard to talk to Heath. Although we really don't chat anymore like we used to, I just basically lock myself in my room with just the kitties and my computer. But he's been a really good friend, for a long time it's always been the two of us. I'll explain the situation to him, and I'm sure he'll come up with every possible solution to keeping me here. I'm really asking him to spend an extra 500 bucks a month, but I don't think that we be his biggest concern. He'll probably tell me he'll cover my expenses until I get everything back up and running. That's the type of person he's always been to me. He's like a big brother, and a father too, and a roomate, kind of a weird combination, but It's been really swell hanging out with him. Although we are about as different as two people could be. Girlfriend's that we've had, that we've both known, neither of them ever really liked the other person. For instance, this ladyfriend of Heath's right now...she's not a very big Doug fan, and most girlfriends I've had, haven't taken a big liking to Heath. It's so strange how we get along so well, lived in the tightest of tight quarters, and have completely different views on everything, except the packers. Yeah, the Packers, that whole life is going to be tough to let go. There is a "packer bar" in Tucson though, and I'll definitely be taking advantage of that. Devin is making sure that I'll come back to go to a game with him too, so I'll have to make sure to do that. Devin's going to be a hard friend to let go of too. He's like the easiest person to talk to, and we get along so well. All the same interests, and he makes me get excited about things, I normally couldn't care less about. Oh well. There's no sense in getting all sad about it. If I wanted to stay, I'd stay. The only thing that keeps me here is my relationship with three people. Up to yesterday, I had myself convinced I only cared about two people. I've always been good at letting things go though. About doing what's best for my mind. I've leared a technique to forget the things that are hard to let go off. Up to this point, it's always worked, and I haven't had difficulties. I don't know, a friend commented that I always think with my head, and never my heart. That's so true. I never thought she really understood me. I've known her for a long time, and always thought I was just a complete mystery to her. She knows me so well though. That's so weird, everyone has always told me I'm a hard person to know. I thought my last girlfriend knew me better than anyone, but she didn't have a clue. This friend really understands me though, and I never saw it. So why do I have to realize these things now? I can't really stay anymore, I've taken every step to move away, except breaking my ties with the people I care about. That's "thinking with my head" again. I knew that if I do everything that I need to do to move, and then take care of the 'goodbyes' after, that there isn't anyway I could stay. My friend contacted me the other day, wanting to "talk" again. See, when something doesn't go how I want it to go, I'd rather just do a clean break of everything. It's so much easier to deal with. You know, if you are still friends with a person that you truely care about, that makes the feelings go crazy. I can't imagine knowing someone, and having attractions to someone, that doesn't have the same thing. I can't be friends with someone, when I'm worrying about who else they are with. That just rips me apart on so many levels. It's a pride killer to see someone you care about, involved with someone else. For whatever reason, I would rather not talk to someone ever again, then see them involved with someone else. I know, it's stupid, and immature. I can't help it though. I think it's really easy for the person who doesn't want to be together anymore to want to stay in contact, but it's nearly impossible for the person who got "dumped" to want to stay friends. Can you understand that. I'm sure I'm not explaining myself properly. I'm sure the normal thing to do, is to be happy when the other person is happy. I agree with that, but I can't be happy for someone, when it rips me apart. So instead of letting it rip me apart, I'd just do my best not to think about it. But that's about 80% of the reason why I can't be friends with someone that I've cared for, or still care about. It's funny, because girls always seem to make it appear like it's so easy, just to be friends, whether they've ended it, or I've ended it. It's not easy. If I break up with a girl, and we are still friends, it just seems like we are never really broken up. If they end it, and want to be friends, then, well, it just sucks. Enough about that. I'm leaving, and I shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore. It's funny how everyone wants to stay in contact when you leave. Everytime I've ever moved away, everybody always says that, and sure, we keep in touch for a while, but it always ends. There is a specific reason for moving away, granted, some of my current ones have backfired. It's about starting over. I don't think someone moves away, for no apparent reason, and wants to 'keep in touch' with people. You keep in touch with someone, then you want to hang out again, get homesick, and miss the people you've left, and end up coming back. I don't have any intentions of coming back though. I really, really want things to work out with Jamie and myself, more than anything I've ever wanted. It's not though, and I'm supposed to place her in the same esteem as I place Devin and Heath. Well, I didn't talk to her for basically 3 weeks now, so I can assume that's it's ok to leave. I'm leaving Devin and Heath behind, and they are really good friends of mine. So I am not supposed to let anything that's happened, or things said, to affect a decision that I've made. I can assume that most of the things I've heard her say, is because I'm leaving, and on some sub-conscious level, she realizes that when I'm gone, I'm gone. So there are more emotions involved then a normal situation. I went over to her place the other night, and it was such a great time. We are so good together in my opinion. Everything just always seems to fit right. I always seem to see the best version of herself when we are together, and everytime I see her, I end up liking her more and more. She always so cool with me too, it's the best relationship possible, I don't know why she wants to run from that so bad. That bothers me. I like myself so much when I'm with her. I've found things about about my personality that I've never known. I just cannot get sick of this girl. It's not just the way I feel, or the way I act, or anything like that, but it's how she makes me feel. I've never had that before, I've never had someone influence me like she has. I can't stop wanting to do the 'right things' with her. Can you understand my dillema? Now I'm leaving, caring more about her than I ever have. I want to stay in contact with her, but I don't want to be all hurt emotionally either. She knows how I'm going be too. She realizes that I'm not going to really stay in contact with anyone here. She's too perceptive, and I can't hide anything. You know I'm not good talking over emails, and I don't really consider a penpal a friend. I hate that, it's just too impersonal. I'm a face-to-face type of guy, that's where I do my best work. I'm not a good phone talker, and I'm not good with emails. I just get sick of it all the time. 0 of my "long distance" relationships have worked out, and I don't think that percentage is going to change. I would have been gone months ago if I haven't met her. Really, the only reason I stayed, was because of her. So I'm not entirely leaving because things haven't worked out between us, because I was leaving for many reasons months ago. Now that we can't be together, there isn't a reason for me to stay. Yeah, I'm not normally like that, I do what I want to do, when I want to, so if you know me, you understand this girl was a big deal to me. So, this is probably overwhelming, and I hate to be like that. I'd rather give to little, then give too much. People respond better to giving too little. I'm not overbearing, I don't influence decisions, and generally, don't affect people too much. I don't want to be all overemotion about her like this, as I'm sure she hates it, but I'm leaving. 6:15:2002 The Goodbyes are done with, and I guess I'm ready to leave. Renting a truck to move the stuff home, then renting a truck to move down to Tucson. Should be fun, I'm pretty excited. It would be better just to leave straight from Milwaukee here, but my pops needs me. So I guess it's time to accept the fact that it's truely over with the ladyfriend. She didn't even want to come over tonight, so I was pretty bitter about that. Oh well, I shouldn't expect it anyhow. The last time I should have talked to her was when I left Thursday morn. It was a great night, and it would have been perfect to leave then. Now, I had to tell her that I really don't want her to visit me. I really, really do not want to be 'just friends'. I hate that. If she doesn't want to be around me when I'm in Milwaukee, then I can't be around her when I'm in Tucson. It was hard when she told me she doesn't want to be together a month ago, and then, telling me the same time a couple times later. I just can't put myself through hoping for her to come and visit. Or having some bullshit talks on the internet or phone. Some people might be ok with that, but I'm not. I'd rather tell her that things won't work out now, then just ending up avoiding her calls and emails, which would probably enevitably happen. She tells me, "well, I want to know what's going on in your life, how your job is going..." Why? Why do you want to know what my life is going like when I'm 2000 miles away, when you didn't want to know me in Milwaukee? And how long do conversations like that last? No, I'm really pissed about that too, obviously. I pissed that it didn't work out, I'm pissed that she shows all these affections for me, and then doesn't want involvement in my life. I'm pissed that everything is so great between us, and she fucks it all up, and I have no idea why. Why couldn't we hang out together? Fuck if I know. It's over though. Too my Milwaukee friends, one day left here, I'm probably not going to talk to anyone except Heath, but It's been cool. I'm leaving now, and it'll be good to completely start over, even though that's not entirely what I want to do, it'll be best for me that way. 7:14:2002 indeed, indeed, it has been a long time, more on that some other time. This is going be quite the essay. Of course, all my own opinions, and not much current events, but just some thoughts I've been having. So if you don't care to hear about what I think about religoin, and history, and other etcs. then you can skip this one. Just a few thoughts. Did you ever notice how quick people who are very religious are to accuse. My father for example. Although not the most adamate church goer. He is pretty religious. Just the other day, he says to me, "...whether you believe in God or not..." What is that, really? He could have send his god fearing statement without that comment, but I think Catholics In general are so quick to accuse. It's actually a terrible religion. I was brought up a Catholic, baptized, bible school, altar boy, all that stuff. I've had atheist stages in my life, and I've had very religious stages in my life. It seemed the more educated I got, the more I found that I just couldn't believe in a God, but then, getting even more educated, I've decided that Evolution is as much a religion as Catholocism, Protestant, Judism, anything like that. I mean really, you can't believe in both. You can't believe there is a God fully, and believe that we evolved. They totally contradict each another, don't they. The Old Testament states that God created everything, and Charles Darwin says that we evolved from apes. Hmmmm, so what, did God create apes, for us to evolve from them? I've heard statements such as those. C'mon, Genesis 1 - God created the world in 7 days, and humans were created on the fourth day. Don't question my Old testament knowledge either. I took a class, 3 days a week, for 15 weeks, just studying that book. I know what's going on. My last girlfriend was just about as religious as I could stand. Well, I couldn't really stand it, but I put up with it. So I went to church with her a few times. (Catholic) I just couldn't help laughing. These people there, claim they believe in God whoheartdley, and proclaim their faith to him by going to a place for at least an hour, every week, for them to complain about it. And have no emotion in church. Mumbling the words you are supposed to say, being sloppy with their "praying hands", and not even singing most of the time. C'mon, Why would God like that. If I was God, it would be a slap in the face, and I would "bring my wrathe upon thee", biblical style all the way. Don't get me wrong, I'd appreciate everyone taking their time to go to these big places they built to worship me. And coming to "talk" to me every week, but what's the point if they are going to be all dull and lethargic all the time. So you may be asking yourself now, what exactly do you believe in Doug? I'm an agnostic all the way. It's such a bad, ugly term to describe it though, but if I must be classified, that's where I'm classified. I really really want to believe that there is some higher power watching over us, and I love the statement, "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle". I so wish that were true, and it might be. So many people don't understand agnostics though. It's just always ranked right next to athesm, which much different, and even uglier. Atheist's are like, crusaders against religion. Agnostics, don't neccessarily believe there is a God, and don't neccesarily believe there isn't one. "there just isn't enough proof" is a good way to put it I guess. I mean, faith is supposed to be blind, and true believes just believe. If I was choosing a religion, which I've tried to do in the past, Catholism would be one of the last choices however. Just too many rules, and everyone breaks them all the time. For those that know religion, like myself, Catholics were hated thier entire history. For all the people that believe in that God, they are classifed into two religions, Catholics, or Protestants. "Protesting against Catholocism" basically is how they got that name, that includes Lutherans, Baptists, and any other religion that isn't Catholic. In the Medievil times, you either had a Catholic king or queen, or you hand a Protestant one. And it's so simple too, the only thing that makes a Lutheran different from a Catholic, is that Lutherans believe that when you eat the bread and drink the wine, it's a symbolic resemblance of Jesus Christ, and if you are a Catholic, you belive that it has transincendiated into the form of Jesus Christ, so you are actually eating his body, and drinking his blood. Intresting huh? At least to me. I've studied this in multiple forms in multile classes in college. I wish I was a religious studies major, but then what would I do, just write articles like this all the time to make money? I couldn't be minister. On that note, did you know all the transistional charaters they showed us in school? You know, Cro-magnon man and the like? Did you know they never found a full skeleton, and any claims they made to finding a full skeleton, the bones have been carbon dated at ranges or thousands of years. This means that they could have a set of bones from 100,000 B.C, and have another set of bones from 5,000 B.C., and put them together, and claimed it was a transistional figure? Interesting huh? They don't tell you that in the high school history books, just like they don't tell you the horrendous stores of what Chris Columbus and his men did to the indians. History is such a tainted subject in school. You don't even learn half of the story. It's all the pilgrims and the indians getting along, and eating thanksgiving dinner together, phmfff... what a joke. It's all so made up it's absolutely pointless to even learn it. I don't know if I could send my future children to school knowing what I know. I couldn't look at thier homework without a desire to tell them the truth. Some things, I should have never read, but it wasn't my fault. There shouldn't be too versions of the past. The educational systems history, and the real history. Somebody long ago went to great lenghts to make sure certain things were always hidden, and fewer and fewer people will ever know "true history". I didn't even learn this stuff in school, or college, I had to find a book, and read it myself, then read more books to make sure it just wasn't one opionion. I never base my opionions off of one other person. If something contradicts what I already know, I make it an effort to back up what they are saying. Home © Doug Malcore 2002