Daily Entries Archived from May
5:1:2002
Good day to you. I took some sleeping pills tonight. Knocked me out big time, and I was not tired at all. So I
forced myself awake a few hours ago, and I've been doing some work on the webpage.
Had a terrible interview today, just terrible. I'm not going to get into it, save myself some pride, since I've
been killing myself with that lately. But, needless to say, I did not get the job. Oh well, I'm getting nervous
now. I might have waited to long to get a job. I'm sure it'll work out though
Well, things have turned for the better in the personal life lately. Well, today was kinda good. I don't have
too much to write about that, because everything is too 'hush hush' all the time.
Anyway, typing up these stories about my brothers and sisters, i get too nostalgic. It's cool though, and my
brothers saw the pages right away, so it's good to know they are looking. I wish I could type stuff that's funny
though. Sometimes I get in a damn funny mood, and I'm laughing at myself. I like that.
So what do you think. I need new exciting things to talk about. Really, I think the only reason I want to find
a job is so that I can write more interesting stuff on this page. That's not cool, because I'm sure if I don't have
as much time on my hands as I do now, this webpage will slowly start going to shit. That's why I'm in such a hurry to
get everythign up. People are checking this everyday, because I'm updating it everyday. Got to keep doing that.
Anyway, somebody send me a line. I want to write some more personal stuff, but I've done so much in the past week
I don't know what's left.
Oh yeah, download Little River Band's "Reminiscing". What a great song.
5:2:2002
Good day. I was planning on going to see 'lord of the rings' tonight. By myself, yes. That's ok though. Umm...
it's good to see movies by yourself because... ummm... yeah... My brother asked me to help him with his page.
So i changed the layout for him a bit, did some graphics. Nothing great, I only spent about an hour on it. It's
actually pretty cool, because he's kinda obsessed with his webpage, and I spent nearly all my time working on my two
that I have going. I think I could work on these pages 10 hours a day, everyday, and spent over a month yet before I'd
be happy with them. But of course, that's boring talk.
So i didn't have to be a loser going to a movie by myself. I was a loser sitting at home working on webpages.
What a geek I am sometimes. I had a fun time writing up the story about my McDonald's Ladyfriends. It was good
remembering that. Got me into a good mood, and I wrote up some fun stuff. I miss those times sort of. It was
fall, I was at football practice till 6 everynight, I worked about 25 hours a week, going in at 630 and running the
drive thru till 11. I dont' know how i did it, Jody was around then too, it was so demanding on my schedule and i
just didn't give a shit about any of it. That's cool. Now I get pissed when I have to go to the store to get some
hamburger buns. Am I getting lazy. Maybe because I'm not working, and not talking to a whole lot of people... sometimes
i go a whole day without saying a word aloud. That's pretty weird. Well, maybe not, because I have conversations
with my kitties when they are willing to listen. Maybe I'm forgeting how to talk, and whenever I want to have a
conversation with someone, I'll type it out and print them off a copy. No, that's stupid.
I do get lonely though. When Heath leaves for a while like this, it get's pretty boring. I hate being by myself,
I couldn't imagine having my own apartment, all alone all the time. I have to do some sort of job where I'm talking
all day. It's nice to go down and talk to Heath for a while, I end talking to him about WWF. I know nothing about it
but I know he's interested in it, and it's good to talk to someone in person for a while. Sometimes, on my daily
trip to the Osco Drug, I end up reading some magazines there hoping someone comes up and we can start up a conversation.
No, I'm not that much a reject. I don't understand how some people can just want to be alone all the time though.
Like Henry David Theraue, and his Walden Pond bood, or J.D. Salinger. Ugh... I don't think it's a mental problem
that I have. Maybe because I think so much, that I'm just afraid to be alone with my thoughts. Probably why I always
end up typing up these long ass journal entries. because it's like i'm talking to someone!! yeah yeah, rip on me
all you want, just leave the eye out of it, and the big head, because I'm a little sensitive to those.
It's cool though. Wish me a good thursday, I have a job interview at 11am at a little computer company, I'm going
to put Tuesday's fiasco out of my head. I'm already making excuses for myself if it doesn't go well. I need to be
positive though, i'm cool right, i'm good at it, i'll be ok, yeah, pump myself up!
supposed to practice tomorrow night for softball. My glove is in Heath's trunk in Chicago however, so I don't know
what I'm going to do, because it's a scrimmage. Sucks, I don't want to miss it either, Jonny will be kicking my ass.
Alright, enough for tonight. Have a terrific day those of you who get to work. I'm mildly jealous. I'm going
to hang with the kitties for a bit, then see if i can get themto sleep in my bed with me.
(whinny voice)"i hate to sleep alone" phmfff... fuck it, I'm just kidding. I'm way
overtired so you can excuse the strange entry here. So,
I'm Out!!!
5:8:2002
I dont really want to do this page for a while anymore. I'm too busy working on all my projects now. I don't even want to
type in this diary. Yeah, my personal life is in shambles, utter shambles. That's ok though, the business is booming, and
i don't even half time to think about anything. So I'm good. I'm goign to start a new life now. The past is gone,
all of it. the only thing i'm keeping is my roomate, because i don't really have a choice, and family of course.
yeah, so it's over, i'm not going to hang out with people i used to work with anymore, i'm not going to
talk to old friends on the internet, nothing, i'm starting over. so besides the occasional softball
game, i should be good. My entire purpose in life is goign to be my business.
So i'll work hard, get it going good in a few month's hopefully, then i'll have to leave for Tucson.
I wish i could go tommorrow. Anyhow, I wouldn't check this site again for a month or so, there will be
nothing, maybe a very occasional blog, or something.
Other than that, I'm out for a while, i'm going to live the life of a hermit, well, the same personal life, no going
out, no making new friends, i'm anti-social boy! Ha, for those of you who know me, it was nice knowing you, if you didn't
hear this from me already, we aren't talking anymore.
*note, this goes for everyone reading this except for family and heath, because we live together.
with that lovely note for the day, i'm out, take care of yourselves, if you ever continue to have interest in my life,
i'm sure i'll come back to this page once i get into better spirits. could be the fact I haven't slept
in 36 hours. Ok then, goodbye.
Signing off.
< = = insert signature here = = >
Doug Malcore
webmaster extraordinaire!
5:12:2002
Ok, I'm back for a bit. After nearly finishing my 6th website this morning, I'm pissed at myself for
how i set this one up. It's a lot of damn work now, and it's relatively big, so fixing it would bascially
be re-doing it. Ugh, oh well, you'll have that sometimes.
So I assume you are wondering what brought me back to this page for an entry? Well, I'm quite depressed now,
I've been all pissed off lately, and trying not to think about anything at all. Everything I've been
touching recently that didn't have to deal with work, is just falling apart. So I was too pissed/depressed
to put any entries into this so called diary, but situations arose today, that can give legitimate warrant to
another entry.
My favorite kitties left today. Yeah, I know, I should have kept them. I didn't get a whole lot out of that
situation, besides having a bunch of little cats running around for a while. That, combined with my working
at home lately, I got so attached to those cats. Just kinda hit me about 3 minutes after they ran out the
door so quickly. (i gave them away). One minute we are sitting on the couch together, working on another website,
and seriously, 3 minutes later, they were gone. It's ok, they are just cats, but they've been good buddies lately.
Someone to talk to when Heath is gone all the time. I really do hate being by myself. The two cats that I have
are not very social at all, so I think I'm screwed now. You know, I could cook a meal by myself, and talk to all my
kitties when I was cooking, makes me feel like someone cares about what I do. Now I just have these two shitty cats
that don't talk to me except when they are hungry. And Heath, being selfish boy, wanted those cats gone. Ugh, it's
so fucking depressing. I kept them too long, it's hard letting them go like that. The tiger striped kitty would
always come as sleep on my lap when I would watch TV for a while. He'd walk around on my belly for a minute or two,
deciding on what was the most comfortable spot, and then he'd stay there. My television attention span is about
20 minutes, so he would get all pissed at me when I'd leave, bitching a little. Then I would come upstairs, and
do some work, and he'd come up and bitch at me to pick him up. So I did, then he'd bitch when I have to type so much.
That's a cool cat. I really wanted to keep that guy. He was gone in 3 minutes. I tried to get a good 'goodbye' a few minutes
before I knew they were going to get picked up, but i didn't realize how hard it would be to let them go until
i closed the latch on the cat carrier. Oh well, maybe my kitty will be cool.
So, my last entry... I don't know what i was trying to do with that...
Hmmm... i was sitting downstairs for about 45 minutes after my cats left, doing nothing, just listending to a CD. I was
getting damned depressed, I all of sudden got all of these things on my mind, like things that I've been pusing away
for nearly a week now, all came to me. So I sat in silence with my thoughts, which was not cool.
You know, i feel like their is so much on my mind, and I don't have anybody to talk to. I absolutely love my
business. It was such a good idea, and it's so fun, but that's all I have right now, and I'm not a person
who can just submerge themselves in work. So I gave up my social life to start this. Not that I wanted to, let me explain.
I got this call last week wednesday from a good 'friend' of mine. we talked about the business a little bit, like
i always do, and then it was a, "so, I'm goign to pick up the cats sunday night". Well, i knew she was moving into her
new place all that week, so i got pissed off big time. Why not ask me for help? What a slap in the face. Just a subtle
way of saying, 'stay away from me'. Which is understandable. I think i just seem really depressed and all workaholic type
lately, so I'm probably not fun to be around. But that sucked. It's like a breakup i guess, I guess I got 'dumped', which I
cant say I'm really used to. Maybe that's why i'm hating myself lately.
Seriously though, I'm just completely sick of my life. I know, that's all depressed suicidal talk. I definitely hate
that, but I'm just saying what's on my mind. I'm tired of nobody caring about what I do. I get excited about things,
and nobody seems to care about that anymore. I remember the good friends and girlfriends I had years ago, I'd start talking
about something and getting all excited, and they would to. I just can't meet anyone who gives a shit what I do anymore.
Maybe I'm just becoming more boring, I don't know. Sucks though. Wish I could have some people to talk to.
So by no means is this some suicide threat letter. That sucks, I don't do that. I did it as a joke one time and
got into some crazy stuff with the family. Didn't think anyone would take me serious, and everyone did. If i was going
to commit suicide though, it would have already been done. I can't kill myself because I don't have the will to do it. The
pain, the actual thought of not being around anymore, that's wierd. Yeah, I've probably given it too much thought, but
still... My thinking on the subject is that I'm so afraid of dying, that I wish I was never born. but that's kind of
easy to say, because i do wish I was never born. Life is such a hassle, and mine always seems to be these huge ups and downs.
I'll make friends during one of my up stages, and then my life starts to go down, and they don't even know who I am
anymore. I just tired of that. I understand there are ups and downs, but my life is just too dramatic for what
i have going on. Nothing ever works out for me the way I plan things. It's just not worth doing sometimes. Maybe that's
why I have to start my own business... I don't know. I don't know what can make me feel better anymore. Why don't you
help me out a bit. I want to start over. Everything, just start over.
I don't mean this webpage to target anyone in particular. See, the person that I am talking to is the computer screen
in front of me. So if it seems like I'm reaching out and grabbing you, demanding your attention and speaking to you
personally, that isn't the case.
Also, realize that I get really really moody typing this page, as I never come and type on this just to come and type. Usually
only when things are on my mind, and then when I'm working them out into computer format, my thinking changes and I
sometimes don't want to put on paper what I'm feeling, or I'll be really emotional and put too much, you know what I mean.
So, I know I need to send an email out by tommorrow morning, even though I have so much to do tonight and tommorow. I think
it's really important. Or maybe not. Just, if you know me well, don't use this page as a way to figure out what I think
about you, or how I think certain things are, because that's not how it's meant to be taken. I just get emotional, and need
to write. So if issues arise due to something I've written here, call me and talk to me about it. I don't want to
not talk to someone at all for nearly a week, then when I see them have them make a comment about something I wrote here.
Can you understand that. I know, I'm really only talking to one person here, that's why it's mildly important that
i send out an email by the am. Have to quick too, I'm on a strict = in bed at 8, up at 4am sleeping arangement to.
I just feel there is more to do at 4am, more productive things to do, that at 11pm. Understand that.
Ok, a little sweat and tears put into this entry, i feel a little better. Hope everything is good with you. I miss you
all, 5 days and I'm tired of being a hermit. So, stop by sometime, we can cook something up, or give me a call, I'm really busy during the day but never too busy to
take a phone call. Over and out.
quick note, check out www.thedustsettles.com, it's up and running and I'm quite excited about it. I'm sure
you won't, but just pretend like you did. Thanks
5:14:2002
Not a day goes by, that the image of you isn't firmly planted and active in my
ever growing mind.
Your beauty, your wit, your everything, keeps me going, keeps me alive every day.
Another morning greets me with the birds singing, the sun shining, the happy music humming in my alert,
but hidden ears. Hidden from the world that forbids me to defeat this state of exrememe unconciousness.
However you are there, overpowering this state using a gentle, kind, unselfish, yet overpowering force.
A state that stands strong time and time again, but is somehow powerless, at its knees when your presence is
sensed.
I awake to see you standing there, not by my bedside, not by my window, not by my door.
You are standing there, my mind blocking out anything that may pose a threat.
Will you ever leave? Will you grow? My mind is fragile to the thoughts of you. An uncomfortable
sense of elation, excitement, and axiety, but somehow pain that you are there. So close, but
yet I can never reach you.
Resistence is useless
The agony is bliss
ahh... just some random thoughts, i woke up a bit early this morning, and was in the
mood for writing.
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© Doug Malcore 2002
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