21.Nov.2004
So, it's really not a good idea to get drunk by yourself, then reminisce... a gentle stroll down a long, winding
road in my head. I stopped at the wrong turn too. So I'm going through my computer, looking at things I might have
written long ago on another computer, and then something catches my eye.
Like a goddamned moron, I start reading this whole thing. If you know me, then you understand that I have this
need to save conversations, save receipts, save pictures, save ticket stubs, actually just anything that could
remind me of the moment that I was in. Unfortunately, when my computer got messed up long ago, I lost all the
correspondence that I had with people when I was in milwaukee, so the only thing I have is my diary. Thank god for
that, because I would flip out if I had lost everything. It was still a pretty hard thing to live down. You should
see the collection of letters I still have from my past ladyfriends. It's pretty amazing. When I was Milwaukee, I
knew a girl named Jamie, and email was just about the only way I communicated with her outside of face to face.
So, for those of you that follow along my diary religiously, (the amount of people has dwindled, I could probably count
them on one hand). Jamie isn't a strange name to you. In fact, it's a large part of the reason I had this diary set
up in the first place.
So I really spend too much time building up a story... So friday night, I'm reading this selection of emails
I had from Jamie after I got my computer back up and good. Apparently, I wrote this long entry, and a large
portion of it was about her. (I rarely read my diary, i have to listen to myself think all the time, and I tend
to get sick of myself). So I read our correspondence, when in turn, motivated me to go back and read the
entry that kick started her desire to send me that email.
Of course, the whole time I was reading all this, I was drinking. As I read more of what herself and I wrote,
I started drinking a lot more. Not good. Not good at all. So I pull out my old cell phone from the states,
and decide to give her a call. The number I had didn't work; the last time I called her was in February. So
now I was frustrated (let me emphasis drunk as well). I called Choice One, where she used to work. Of course, I
was about a half hour too late, but I had a good feeling I wouldn't be able to contact her from there anyhow.
So, like a goddamned psycho, I start trying to find white pages on the internet. I get nothing. I never really
remember her having a land line, so this was appropriate.
Now I get flat out stalker style. I find her brother's name in Indiana. (I visited there once with her). I saw the
name, and said to myself, "no way am I calling that". So I looked through all the names for a while. Then I
pounded my drink, and called her brother's number.
I shudder to think of my desperation. I do this little humming thing whenever I think of something I did I really
regret. It's annoying to me, but I've never mentioned it to anyone until now. So yeah, I stop typing every
so often to hum. I've been doing this quite a lot lately. Remembering things I did and humming my little thing,
christ it's annoying. Maybe I'm drinking too much to have all this regret, or perhaps it isn't regret, just a
subconscious slap in the face.
So the phone is ringing, and I don't even know what I'm about to say. Just thinking what a goddamned moron I was
being. I was drunk, and I knew it was stupid, but something was pushing me to do it anyhow.
A female picks up:
phone:"hello"
doug:"hi, is jamie there?"
phone:"who?"
doug:"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Ashley maybe...?"
phone:"who is this?"
doug:"this is doug"
phone:"doug who?"
doug:"doug malcore"
phone:"that jamie used to work with in milwaukee"
doug:"yeah, exactly"
phone:"this is Jamie's mom" (i met her mom on our trip to Indiana, but it was surprising to hear she remembered me)
doug:"cool, how are you?"
Jamie's Mom:"good..."
doug:"I was just wondering how I could call her"
Jamie's Mom:"did you know she's married"
doug:"..." (i honestly couldn't tell you what I said in response to that, but what I remember of the conversation)
Jamie's Mom:"I don't have her number, but I'll take yours and give it to her" (right on, now
I've been treated like the psycho that I was being)
So I give her my number, and hang out. I remember everything perfect, I could tell you how long each
pause was in that conversation, but then the married thing came out, and it's all a blur. I said something
about that I was in Germany now, but I couldn't recite much else about the conversation.
So I don't know how to write how I feel about that all. I understand that Jamie's not really a girl to be
single. I didn't expect her to wait for me or anything, and I don't have any thoughts that we would be
together someday. My goal in talking to her wasn't to try and open up any relationship-y stuff, or be all
open about feelings I've wrote in these archives long ago. I'm really trying to stress this. The only
reason I wanted to talk to her was because I wanted to talk to her. Find out things that are going on
in her life, and vice versa. So it shouldn't have been such a blow to me to find out she's married.
Perhaps because I don't know why it bothers me, and that's what is bothering me write now. Maybe it's just
something good to get my mind off of other things. Who knows. I know I slammed the door on a million
possibilities to be cool with her. I accept that, and I don't have any intention of flying home to where ever
she is at and trying to be cool. Even if she wanted me to, I wouldn't do it.
My acquaintances in the army don't really understand this. I've tried to talk to some of the people I'm a
little close with, but they don't understand. They think the only reason I called her was to get goddamned
"closure", or whatever. They think that she's someone I always kept on the back burner. That's why I can't
talk to anyone in the army.
So that's all I'm going to say about that. It's pretty goddamned interesting though, if anyone reading this
has been here from the beginning. My whole fucking relationship with her is detailed throughout this whole page,
I'd say half of it is just a reflection, or a representative of the effects of her on my life. It's impressive,
putting it all in perspective from an objective point of view. I started writing about her about 4 months after
I really got to know her well, so a large part is left out, but her spot in my ladyfriend annuls pretty much
fill in the missing pieces.
I don't think I could have lived with myself if I didn't write about this whole thing on my site. Sort of like
the real "end" of it all. Finally, for those of you sick about constantly reading about her, or reading all
the hidden insinuations scattered throughout this site about her. Honestly, I don't want to stop writing about
it all now. It's not like I feel like I just broke up with her, or anything like that. I can look at it
objectively, and I know I've said that already, but I want to stress that (and not just to reassure myself).
It's worse because I've been so anti-social the past month. So everyone that hangs out in my room, which is just
about everyone, thinks there has just been something wrong with me. So the few people that I talked to about this
whole thing, totally won't let me stop thinking about it. I guess I'd rather them talk about that then other things
bothering me.
I really like being in Germany, but I really don't want to think about the States. There is just too many things
going on over there that I can't really influence at all. I can't go through the same experiences everyone I know
over there is, it's totally different. This whole time thing is just messed up enough. You know, I would never
have the opportunity to get drunk on a friday night, and call an ex-girlfriend's mom when it's in the middle of the day
for them. It sets me up to be a fuck-up sometime.
So that's why I try to distance myself from things I normally liked to do before I joined the military. I don't follow
the packers as much as I used to (but you can bet I'm wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt right now, after all, it is
Sunday). So I'm going to wake up for PT in the morning, and probably be catching the last part of the green bay game. Unless
I go to bed now and wake up at like 2am to watch it, but that's not going to happen. It's more likely that I would first
go to bed at 2am.
Anyhow, I haven't done anything this weekend. Just sit around, clean all my gear from the last field problem. I wanted
to clean up my computer (I still haven't organized the cables, or put in my LED light). I need to set up my
speakers, but Sgt. Wilson is sitting on my drill right now, so even that's not a possibility. I've just been really lame.
My plans for Thanksgiving? None really. Like I said, Doing normal american things I did before the military, in the
military, makes being in the military more difficult. If that makes sense. Perhaps if you read it 3-4 times.
On a good note, my music collection has now topped 10,000 songs. I couldn't tell you what the 10,000 song was. I've
really been spending some money at iTunes lately. Marvelous, Marvelous idea. 10 bucks for an album, download
right to my computer? Great.
Alright, we only work 3 days this week, but they are going to be some long days. Hopefully I can write some more
pretty soon. Time is flying, I can't believe I'm going to have to archive this page pretty soon.
- - doug
|
14.Nov.2004
All this stuff I want to do on my website yet. Everytime I look at it I get a little disappointed that
I'm not writing more. I have two pretty huge stories that need to be written about, but I've been lazy.
We go to the field again on Tuesday. It's going to be lame 'army stuff' too. NBC gear, gas masks,
all the 'huah' infantry stuff. I have no desire to learn any of that. When we start learning that I
just get into a daydream. I don't want to be trained how to kill people... how to move properly so I can
shoot people better. I don't even want to have people through the sites of my rifle. I guess we aren't
going to get a whole lot of sleep, which shouldn't be a big deal for me because i never really sleep anyhow,
but I hate being forced not to sleep. Then I'm going to have to lay down in a prone position, and try
to stay awake, looking at nothing and expecting nothing, the constant drone of a generator in my ear, the
slow breathing because I'm wearing a gas mask. Oh yeah, and the cold... fun...
Tanner came into my room all strange last night. He locks the door, throws on the fluorescent light (ugh, but
he knows how bad i hate that, so it had to be important). Then he takes a box out of his pocket with a ring
in it. Wow is right, pretty impressive ring too, but I'm not pretending to be a jewelry guy. Steffi came
in my room a few minutes later, and starts searching around. Asking me where 'it' is. So I played it off
like i had no idea what she was talking about. She kept on, "i know what he's hiding..." It was funny, but
I wasn't going to say anything.
Later she comes running in, and shows her finger to me. I guess she stole it out of his pocket. Ha, she's
like the funniest girl. So they got engaged. Hence my little note on the nav. page. I'm happy for them, as
corny as that sounds. They'll be good together.
So I've been in this depressed state lately. Ever since last saturday really, but many of you already know
about that. It's not like I can really talk to people in the army about it either. I mean, I'll chat with
brian and tanner with just about anything, but I still don't want to get too deep and personal with anyone,
because everything is always so temporary in the army. So to try to keep things less painful, it's best
to not get attached, or perhaps, just don't get used to people being around. This all combines to make
things even more depressing
And I really hate being depressed, because then stupid shit makes it all worse. So I'm not going to label
myself. Actually, I wouldn't even say I'm depressed, because I wouldn't want to label myself, then I would
feel like I need to act a certain way. So the reason I say that is because that's how someone else might
interpret it. And I'm not trying to act any particular way, I just don't want to be very social with
anyone else. Once again, it's not like I'm very social anyhow, because most people in the army can go
fuck themselves anyhow, but I don't even want to be friendly. Usually everyone comes in my room
constantly, but I have kept the door closed, and when people come in, I have been tending to not even
really pay attention to them. I'm still trying to decide whether it's more rude to ask someone to leave,
or just act like you don't want them there so they leave on there own. I guess it's the role you are in. If you
know someone doesn't want you there, you would want to here that from them, but if you don't know anything, you'd
probably like to make up your own mind about things. So here I go again, making assumptions.
So because I've been so antisocial this whole week, I decided I shouldn't go and be drunk this whole weekend as
normal. Brian got angry with me thursday, and friday I was just definitely going to chill by myself, but when
they got engaged I had to go out with them. I'd hate myself if I didn't. We went to one of the lamest clubs ever
here in ansbach. I seriously hate that place. We get there, and tanner is like, "what time of music do you want
doug?" I didn't say shit, but he decided to ask some girl if she could dance well, then asks the dj to play
music the two of us could dance to. Phmfff... she comes up to me, trying to get me to go dance with her, but
she wants to 'practice' first. I don't need any practice, esp. if she thinks she's going to teach me anything.
My mom made me take some lessons, and then the whole dancing thing I did in the shows I was in... Never mind,
I think I'm starting to sound arrogant about it all. Brian and Tanner were begging me to get out there,
but I really did feeling like putting on a performance, esp. with the mood I've been in. She asked me if I could
do some particular 'moves', and I had to pause, take a drink, then look at her square in the eyes... "i can do
anything you can do'. Brian loved that shit. I don't think I intended for it to come out all arrogant like that,
but that's how it happened. Times like that I wish I had a movie of myself so I could laugh at how I get sometimes.
So Brian and I spent the larger chunk of the night 'talking' about meeting girls. Finally I figured I could chat with
some of the skanky ladies at this club, so I did, and of course, they lived up to my expectations of traditional
ansbach girls. I know they have all these stereotypes of us army guys, but they aren't any better themselves. So it's
disgusting how hypocritical they can be at times. Then I get angry, and won't talk to them anymore. Sometimes it's pure
disgusting. Now included in my set of morals is to not talk to any girl that comes up to me. And if I'm preoccupied
and some chick comes up to me, then I can be flat out mean. For instance:
Another night, I was at the worst club in ansbach history. This place is pure sleaze. I really did not want to be
there, esp. considering the good times I was having at other places. But the crowd brought me there, so I figured I
would 'hide' upstairs until we all decided to leave. While sitting at the bar, keeping my back
to everything, trying not to draw any attention to myself, this girl comes up to me. Right... so I was angry, and
not happy because of the mood of this club, and she starts talking to me. I wasn't even polite. I didn't turn
around, avoided eye contact, didn't respond to things she was saying, etc. After being annoyed for a whole two minutes,
i just told her to leave me alone. I wasn't nice either, but who cares, it's a sleazy ansbach girl, she can find
some other guy to go home with her. 10 minutes later, a friend of her's comes up to me, and starts yelling at me
that I'm an asshole and such. "I just didn't want to be bothered" was pretty much my response, but then girl 1 came
up to me to join in. Out of no where, I get slapped. What the hell? Seriously? Did I deserve that? We, I don't think
so. In order to avoid any more situations, i had to go downstairs.
But this is how it always is. Brian was going to possibly go home with one of the girls we talked to last night, and
thank god he didn't. Nasty girls. There was perhaps a time in my life where I felt the same way he did, but it's
hard to stay objective and not get judgemental when I see him talking to some girl that is no way cool enough to
talk to one of my friends. At least I got a picture of that whole thing (insert your emoticon of choice here).
So I read Bishop Joseph Hall's article about "the characters of virtues and vices". It was written back in
1608, but it's amazing how relevant his interpretations of personality types still are. I don't think you
could read that and not learn something about yourself. Actually, I would consider it a life-altering event, reading
that article that is... I suggest you run to google and see if you can find a copy of it online somewhere. It's
some rough reading, perhaps you'd need a dictionary or something for some words, but it's more interesting to
make up your own interpretations of the words he uses. Check it out though
He did inspire me to buy one of his books off of Barnes and Noble though. I bought "einstein's dreams" too. That
was a required book for everyone in college, at least where I went to school. I like to read books that
make you think a different way about something, or at least, learn something about yourself when you read it.
Ugh, I really don't want to go to sleep tonight. When things aren't going my way, the worst place to be is the 5 minutes
laying in bed, all alone with my thoughts. I can't stand it, so lately, unless I've been just flat out falling
asleep standing up, I don't go to bed. Morning are difficult...
I was trying to read some of my old journal entries, but I was getting overwhelmed with myself. I can only take
me when I'm trying to think in small doses. I can't believe more people just don't get sick of me. Maybe because
I'm quiet and reserved a lot of the time when I do start to talk, it interesting for people. I live with myself
all the time, so I'm pretty used to what I'm thinking, but I really don't talk to many people about my thoughts
much, except something I'm really passionate about, or if the mood catches me correctly. When I'm drinking I get
way to friendly too, talking way to much, saying things I shouldn't, hang on, this deserves it's own paragraph.
So when I drink, I usually end up saying things that are better kept to myself. The problem is, that I need someone to
chat with that it'll actually mean something. Not someone who in 5 months, or a year, I'll never know them again. So
I get all talkative and friendly when alcohol is involved, and well, just talk to much. It's not like I lie about
things. I don't wake up in the morning and think I shouldn't have said something because it's false, I wake up and
slap myself in the face because I don't want anyone to really know me that well. (at least in the army). I get like
on this page too. "why did I write that", I don't want people to know I think that, even though I do. I know, this
thought is all jumbled and confusing to myself even. Perhaps you understand. I just get sick of hearing myself think,
or sick of thinking about things the way I do. Perhaps I'm half-crazy. Who knows, I don't know anyone who is like
me really. Alex and I usually felt the same way about things, but I don't know how he is anymore. I need a good friend
as an outlet, so ideas or thoughts don't pile up in my head, then I have way to much to think about, so when I drink, the
fucking damn breaks open. It's probably best to write things down more.
Brian, Tanner, Steffi and Sgt. Wilson went to austria tonight for some snowboarding. Obviously, I didn't go, because I'm
really not very good company this whole week. Perhaps I'll get good information soon and feel better about things,
because the three books I just ordering aren't going to help me at all. Probably just keep the spiral spinning downward.
I'll spend another week on my own again. It's been interesting this past week. I can always find work to do to
keep myself occupied. That's important when times are rough. It's hell sitting in my room by myself, well, with my
lame roommate, but he doesn't really count as a person anyhow. Seriously. If you met him...
Anyhow, I wrote to much. I should have put some energy into writing about a trip, but brian and I skipped out of our plan
to go to Berlin, so perhaps it's better I didn't say anything. I have a million things I need to do yet anyhow, mainly
writing some letters home.
Rhonda sent me an IM... what the hell?
...exactly...
|
10.Nov.2004
I'm going to go ahead and say today was one of the worst days ever. There's many factors involved, maybe
I'll just explain, but something deeper lays on my mind. We'll get into that.
I went to bed mad early last night. Like, 630pm. You know, i survive on about 4 hours of sleep or less a night,
so this was pretty strange to get home and just crash. Yesterday, it snowed like mad here. First time i saw
snow was yesterday, and by 5 pm, everything was white. Pretty cool.
So, of course, i wake up at about 3am. I had nothing to do, so I talked to amy for a few hours. Pretty fun, we
chat often, then at 830 brian and I went to eat... only to find out the rest of the battalion didn't have to
report to work until 1100. So apparently, we just aren't part of the battalion anymore. Yesterday, everyone
else got released at 3 pm, but not us. Tokuda said we are now 6-53 instead of 6-52.
Work sucked of course. I made a pretty cool snowman right away in the morning, but that was demolished right
away. Big suprise. Ugh, I was about to just go on a rant about how chewed up my leadership is, but the short
version is safer and better. One of our NCO's told us we would be working through lunch. So of course, during
lunch is a huge snowball fight. I haven't really been feeling well all week, and when I don't feel well, I usually
work harder. Then I get angry because no one else works as hard as I do, and when I get angry, I work harder. Pretty
much, it's just a cycle to make me get more and more frustrated with things. Anyway, while this snowfight is going
on, Our NCO's were sitting down, for a 'break' apparently (don't ask me from what), and I am the only person
working on getting the camo net back together. After a bit, I looked at the NCO, and said, "I'm glad this is
what I'm missing fucking lunch for...", Then he got everyone together to work, but sent me to eat about
5 minutes later. Seriously, I was the first one sent out to eat. After lunch he tried to put me on a sham
detail to. Apparently he felt bad or something, who knows, I just want him to be in charge and make sure
everyone is working. I don't care if I'm the hardest working, or doing the most difficult job, I just
don't want to be working alone, because I could never just watch someone else work.
I get so tired of talking about work, because it's depressing really. I hate just flat out complaining too. The
worst part of it all... is the fact that we have to work tomorrow. When the rest of the gov't is not working, we'll
be out taking down tents and stuff. Real lame stuff basically. The NCO's try so hard to blame it on us soldiers,
that we aren't working hard enough, or fast enough. This is not the case whatsoever. The entire reason we
are working tomorrow is due to the NCO's. The fail us on a routine basis. I have never, ever seen such horrible
leadership as I have in my unit. I've worked a number of jobs, but never have I had to work with such shitbags for
people in charge of me. This is probably the most disappointing part of the army for me.
Then, they want to try to tell me things like, "if you had a real job, you wouldn't like people you work with there
either". You are preaching to the choir motherfucker. I've lived a different life already. Most of these
people who are telling me what to do are people who joined the army at age 18, straight out of high school, many
their first job ever. How am I supposed to sit there and listen to some horseshit like they know all about civilian
life? I do, because they are sergeants, and I volunteered for this, so my mouth stays shut most of the time.
However, the only thing I will learn from most people in the army is stuff about my job, and it's so simple. It's
disgustingly simple. Frustrating to a point, because I don't really feel like I learn that much anymore. It's hard
when we have to do some detail, and everyone is standing around. I want to take charge so fucking bad. I feel like
I could just do it right, so people aren't pissed off, and we get done, but it's not my role. The only reason I
want it to be my role is because I know I could get it done better than anyone else.
Last field problem we had, an NCO decided it was more important to get the tent up right away, instead of wait 10 minutes
for the camo net to come (it's much easier to put the net up first, then tent). So, when we finally had time to
get the net up, the tent was already up, and it was dark out. Now, the NCO's had to know this was going to be
a bitch of a project, so all of them spent there time working on getting the heater's for the tent working. Last
priority in my book, and leaving us with one sergeant to help. This sergeant is a good worker, but doesn't really
know the best ways to do things. So I listened to his ideas, and we all tried them for about an hour. This didn't
work, and everyone was sort of standing around, because the job sucked and none of us wanted to do it.
I said, fuck it, here's the plan... (as much as I hate to be in charge, there's times where I just need to be). So
I laid out my plan to a few people, and we put in action. It was frustrating, because I had about a million questions
I had to answer to everyone, but the job got done. The moral is that I shouldn't have to take charge. I shouldn't
be telling people who outrank me and have been in the army longer than me (by multiple years) how to do a job. And
the rest of the platoon shouldn't look to me to get the job done. It's not my role. My role is to follow orders, and
I definitely understand this. But with a lack of leadership, I'm going to take charge. Sometimes I want to be an
NCO just because I know I could do it better. I know I can get people to listen to me, and respect what I say
because if something goes wrong, I'm going to take responsibility for it if I can't fix it myself. That's what
a leader should be, and I see zero of those qualities in my entire chain of command.
Ha, I probably shouldn't have said any of that whatsoever. It's not like I can really talk to anyone here about
it all. That's what sucks. I like to be a pretty open person and discuss most things that are bothering me, but
the army is forcing me to be all repressed. I need to find a way to get it all out of my head at night. I want to
take some classes, and learn something new so I don't have to be all army all the time. I need to hang out with
non-army folk, but all of which is impossible at this stage in my life. GD depressing really. I can't take classes
because we work late nearly every single night, and everyone is lazy, so I'm exhausted by the end of the day (get angry,
work harder, you know my style). We go to the field way to much, to learn things I could probably do with my eyes closed,
but because the caliber of personnel the army has, we have to do everything until it's instinctive. Never have
I worked with a larger group of people who cannot think for themselves. Join the army... you'll meet a whole group
of people, different types of characters you'll probably never meet in your life. At least that's the way it is for me.
Unfortunately, and I hate this, I can't help but feel superior to everyone else. I don't want people to know me, I don't
really want to make that many friends, or joke around at work, because I flat out can't stand the people I work with. I hate
that I look at my platoon, and just feel like a better quality of person than them. The army did this to me. All
the things that bother me, I can't talk to people about because I feel like the aren't going to provide any sort
of comfort to me.
Shit, this is some quite depressing thoughts. Perhaps because of other things on my mind, the army is bothering me
to much. I never really let the army get to me though. It's all just a game, so it's disgusting that I would
lower myself to complain about it all on my website. The last thing I would want to do is let it all bother me
when I have an opportunity to be a normal person.
|
08.Nov.2004
i'm quite tired. i wish i was in a better mood, because i'd like to write a lot tonight. I definitely hate
being the type of person that has a bad mood on a birthday, or is the 'depressed' birthday type. It's not
because of being older, or anything to do with a birthday whatsoever. Things just aren't fitting together
properly, or, like they should.
So, since i never write and so much stuff is going on, i should write about the events in my life
recently. Obviously, i went to munich, and you've all had the opportunity to read about that for some
time, considering my lack of new material on this site.
Brian and myself spent a night in Stuttgart. It's this real trendy town here in Germany. We had a really
good time, and you should expect a full story on that night.
I was the representative for my platoon in our recent haunted house. That's a pretty great story. Once again,
expect a page on that. I have to remember to keep this page as mainly my opinions and thoughts on daily life,
because all the events in my life recently would clutter this page, and i think people mainly read (past tense)
this page to hear about how i feel about things, or what's on my mind at the moment. It fits better like that.
My roommate is a shitbag.
So the other night, after we took a bus around to a few local bars, we came back here. Somehow, something motivated
me to look up some of the things that I wrote, but never posted to this page. MOst of it is from some time ago. Emails
i've sent to a girl, or stupid song lyrics (i shouldn't say that, because i'm a little proud of what i wrote) Anyhow, i
think i was trying to look up lyrics to a song, and i stumbled across this little story i wrote about this girl i have
an infatuation with. Actually, she's great, but i haven't spoken to her in a long time, and the last time we talked
she talked about moving away with this guy for a long time... perhaps the most depressing thing ever.
But it was absolutely amazing to read that story again. I mean, that must have been two years ago. I remember
writing it a little now, because ever since i read it, i've been thinking about it. It so perfectly defines the exact
mood of the moment... sitting in my room by my dad's house, being depressed because i felt so stagnant, drunk on wine,
and wishing she was still around. Shit... I just realized the last time that I saw her was exactly 3 years ago today. Wow,
honestly, if there was some way to contact her, not that it matters, and I'm sure it would just make me depressed about
it all again, but the feeling i would have the couple of seconds when the phone is dialing, then she would pick up, and
i would introduce myself... her pause, wondering if it's really me on the other end. That's all i would need. That
could satisfy me. Of course, it would bother me more than anything to hear about how great it is for her with whatever
guy it is she is with, but for how i would feel for that brief time.
I think a large part of the reason I don't write to my site anymore is what would happen if i started writing. It's not
like I don't write anything ever, or quit on a journal, because i still write when i get overwhelming thoughts. Out of
respect, i don't write about some things. I think i might try to, and just be really abstract, but i know if people who think
that they 'know' me read it, they make an assumption, and there assumption will probably be correct.
I've had goals when i joined the military, and morals. I sort of gave myself rules, like how I did with this site. Like my
website, i stick to them well, but occasionally, i'll slip up. Now, it's quite strange that both of my screw ups
involve the exact situation. Most of you know I've had this site for a while, and I've been pretty open on honest about
most things, so it's really difficult for me to hold some things back.
I'm not really the type of person to hold things back as well. I'm so disgusted with the types of people i've met in the
army, that i pretty much refuse to state my opinions about things, or express my feelings about certain things.
Anyhow, i have a point, and I'm not going to continue to beat around it. I'm drinking wine now, and sometimes i
can be clever when under that influence, or at least, think i'm clever. (i know i'm a moron when i drink liquor or beer).
So i told myself before i joined... no army chicks for me. I figure ever person who joins the army has some trait that
down the road, will make me resent them. Believe me, I'm not saying that I am any better. I have my own issues, perhaps
being snobby and thinking I'm "too good" to talk to certain people. So part of the reason I joined, subconsciously, might
be because I need to learn how to live with people I normally wouldn't give the time of day. It's not right for me
to be like that, and I don't like people like that. (this is just an example, however, in my case, probably correct).
You know how rare it is to meet cool people? Maybe it's just me, and I just have high standards. I'll be friendly to
everyone, and most every one i've ever met doesn't have too many negative things to say about. Most of the people
i've met really go out of their way to be my friend (esp. in the army). I don't want anyone to go out of the way in
anything for me. Anyway, cool people... Honestly, I've met a lot of girls (right, it's always about a girl), and until
this point in my life, there has only been one that i felt was worth anything i could do, give, etc. So, I have to come
to Germany to meet the second one.
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© Doug Malcore 2003
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