Daily Entries Archived from November November 24th, 2002 It's a few days before Thanksgiving, and I don't have anything to write, so I figured I'd make my first entry in 3 months. It's hard to believe that I've been here in Casco for as long as I have, considering I really didn't want to stay here that long. I'm sort of mad at myself for doing this now. In some ways, I'm pissed, and in others, I'm not. I'm really glad I have my car, really glad. I'm really glad that my brother Matt is pretty cool now. And that's about it for being glad that I'm here. I like my job a lot, granted, I've worked 115 hours these past two weeks, and I'm averaging like at least 55 hours a week. On only 8 dollars an hour, no overtime, and no benefits. Not that benefits are important to me. Actually, the guys at work say I'm "wet behind the ears" because I don't care about any of that. That's ok, I'd rather not care about anything If you look back on my life, you'd realize that I've let everything that was important to me slip through my fingers. I don't put in the neccessary effort to make sure that I can keep certian things that are important to me. I should not have left milwuakee until things sputtered out into nothing. Until I had no friends there, until I had nothing. I didn't do that. I left when things were good for me. I was running my own thing. I had really good friends, and I just left it all to try and get a new start on things. A new challenge maybe. To try and test myself in a new enviroment. Take what I've learned here in Wisconsin and apply it to another part of the country. The fact is, I've learned a lot in my life. I pay especially close attention to make sure I learn as much as possible from each situation. It's a bad habit, and it's a good one. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop doing it. That I won't be able to stop from trying to milk (no pun of course) everything for what it's worth. I never stop watching, I never stop listening, and I never stop thinking. The best thing for me is to write on this page, and I've neglected it for way too long. My mouth is like a dam. It holds back thoughts, ideas, advice, criticism and any other thing that my mind could think of. Really, my mouth, or rather, my vocal cords really have the toughest job, as I can comment on just about everything. Most people don't know that I pretty much know a little bit about everything. I don't know a lot about anything, but I know a little bit about everything. And what I don't know yet, I'm way too eager to find out. So I have all these things bottled up, much like a person with an agression problem does. That I just keep bottling up, and when I talk to anyone with any sort of intelligence, I just have to go. The dam has overflown. It's pouring out. So, when I write here, it's my outlet. Sort of like mental masturbation if you will (lack of a better term, or rather, just a vulgar analogy). See, in order to last an appropriate amount of time with a women during coitus, one must "clean the pipes" (to use the parlance of our times). After that, you are like a different person. Some movies have it right on, even the lame ones, for instance... "There's Something About Mary"... "after masturbation, it's the only time a guy isn't thinking about sex" (I realize this isn't a perfect quote). I believe that's true to an extent. How this applies to me you ask. Well, I write in the journal, and I don't have to worry about overwhelming a person that I am conversing with. Much like a guy doesn't have to worry about premature ejaculation. Understand? In Casco, I think I'm the worst version of myself. It's just a black hole for me, spiritually and mentally. Physically, I'm probably in the best shape I've been in for years. Although, the chest pains have been acting up again, but that's mainly because I'm not eating very well, in fact, most days I don't eat at all. I get these damned pains in my chest, and sometimes I wish my heart would stop beating. Not that the pain is overwhelming or anything. It's just annoying. Can you imagine a constant pain in your chest, for 3 years now I've been having it. And I used to get so anxious about it. My heart would just start racing once it started to hurt, amplifing all of the pains. I'm over that now. Actually, I don't think I have nearly any anxiety anymore. Which is great. I used to just freak out with myself. But I'm good now. Nice and calm, but not espcially happy. Let's get back to my original point. Casco, worst version of myself, right? I'm not doing anything to move my life forward. And I'm only staying here for two reasons. My car. I want to fix that thing up bad. That'll be nice. A good car, everything I could want in a car, I'll finally have it. The only thing I won't have that I would actually want would be an electric option. Nobody hates buying gas more than myself. The other reason is my father. We don't get a long really well. He's pretty much a moron. Not very intelligent at all. Granted, he's really good at working, and knows how to fix a lot of stuff. But not much more. He's a nice enough guy, but I just get pretty annoyed by him a lot. But I don't want him to lose the farm because he doesn't have enough help. If he decides to quite the farm, that's fine. It's his choice, I just hope he doesn't do it because he's getting too old and can't handle it by himself. Because then I think he'd be depressed the rest of his life. Feel like a failure or something. Actually, I think the only reason he continues with it, is for my brothers and myself. I hate being alone. Hate it. Can't stand it. Can I stress this enough? Probably not. I have to be around people. People that I don't know especially. Not that I'm an intensely outgoing person. Or a great conversationalist, or anything like that. I just have to be in social situations. I have to have people to talk to, How I am ever going to live in an apartment or home by myself I don't know. That's why I want to get out of here. It's just my father, that's all I have. Sure, I email Devin once in a while. Most of my working days are spent alone in a tractor, and the people that I work with and myself don't have a whole lot in common, and I find myself making up stories about stupid things just so that we have something to talk about during our long drives. I don't really have any friends here in Casco, but I can't say I've been making any efforts to find any. I really do not fit into this place at all. My family, absolutely huge, and there is no one that I really feel cool with. Granted, I could talk to them, and we'd be all nice, but it's not like they are big Doug fans, or am I big fans of them. I like small towns, but this is just too small. I'm talking people's personality now. I'm pretty sure I liked Milwaukee. I've tried to convince myself that I didn't like the place. But I did. I didn't like that when I wanted to find a job that I couldn't. It just seemed everyone was a salesperson. That was the only place a person my age could make a means to survive, and that every person that lived there has seen a salesperson a million times. I don't think I'm a bad salesperson, I just found it too easy to "unmotivate" myself there. The excuses to do poorly were just aplenty. God damnit do I hate doing poorly at something. I think that's a big reason why I gave up on Milwaukee. I'm sad that I did. Really sad. I don't like giving up especially when I didn't try as hard as I should. I regret that I didn't take anything from Milwaukee with me. I regret that I was way too eager to forget everything. In Casco, it's easy to say things liek that. If my original plan were to hold true, I'm sure I would not being saying these things. But of course, I change my mind about everything. I was duped by myself into thinking a relationship was real. And I was convinced to hold onto when I knew it wouldn't work. And when I convinced myself that it would work, and that everything I wanted to happen with it would happen. And that I might possibly consider making sacrificing, swallowing pride and walking back into it just because I've met someone with everything I've ever wanted. It backfired. I'm telling you, once I put effort into something, once I let go of my mental crutches, trying to walk on my own, I fall smack on my face. That's what happened to me. Maybe my pains in my chest is actually a broken heart, or broken spirit. Of course, this is a self diagnosis, but I'm pretty good at these. My swollen esophagas hasn't healed yet either, since you've mentioned it. I've been slowly falling apart since I was junior in high school. Freshman and Sophomore years of schools were all good. I knew everybody. Everyone was cool with me. Then the Luxemburg-Casco redneck gene started kicking in. Everybody I knew started to drink alcohol, and seriously, they seemed to become less intelligent. I was not a fan of that. When you are that young, no person should need any sort of alcohol or drugs to have a good time. I'm glad the way I went through high school. I think I'm a better person because of it. Rather than drinking or drugs, we did other mind expanding excercises. Any my pals were the best, because we all felt the same way. It's not that I was an outcast or anything. Everybody knew me, everybody was "my friend" on paper. I'd hate to say I was a popular kid. But I was. I didn't have enemies, Nobody was an asshole to me, and I got a lot of breaks because of the advantages my friends and myself had. But I didn't drink, so I backed off from anything. Maybe I was hurt to see people go that route, and I didn't see any need or purpose too. Or maybe I just like being different, and arguing a point that could have no wrong or right, just to argue. Either way, I started not talking to people who drank, so about 75 percent of the school was off limits to mysef in my own eyes. I could entertain myself if I didn't have any of my close friends with me. I was not about to swallow pride, go against what I believed in, just to have someone to talk to. I hated that place. It was a fun time in my life, but I hated it, however that makes sense. So I graduate, and go to college, which I failed at. I drank my freshman year, and my roomate and I were great pals, but I stopped drinking, and the guy just got pretty annoyed with my always being around maybe, not going out all the time like I used to. For whatever reason, the guy just started to hate me, bitching at me all the time and whatever. That wasn't cool, actually, the following year when we weren't roomates we were great pals, and years after, but that time was terrible. So I started to hate school. That was my best semester too. Shitloads of high marks. Then sophomore year I lived with a guy who didn't know how to be unsuccessful. He never went to class, always had a shitton of money and friends. So I figured it could work for me. I gave up on school right there. Why? I have no idea. I was doing so well in classes. The week before I decided not to go to classes anymroe I had a "A" in every class. And I was in some tough ones too. People think I'm an idiot sometimes I think, because I don't give a shit about getting good grades, or I don't act like I know everything, or I dropped out of school, or that I don't listen to anyone and form my own opinions. Fuck them. It's not what people say about you, it's what the important people say about you. Does anybody ever care about that? It seems nearly every person I've known cares what other people think about them. More fucking monotony. I love individuals. Be yourself for godsakes. Who cares about what clothes you are wearing, or what bar you are scene at, or what your friends look like, or what music you listen to. And challenge everyone that commands that you do. Man, I hate popular anything. Just because it's popular. I know, I'm preaching open mind and all that. Be open to all sorts of new shit, but I just can't stand something that is as fake as popular. Be REAL! It's fucking ridiculous. Why go to eat at some fancy place for breakfast when you can go to some cheap place that could possibly taste even better, and you don't even have to look nice to go there. I'm just being a jerk now, I'm mad at myself and taking it out on the diary. Typical... Either way, do you think I'll ever find someone who likes herself, and is a Doug fan? Probably not in Casco. That's why I'm stuck. The only reason I really want to get out of here is to not be alone anymore. I'm so eager to get out, start something real, something that will put me on a good start to where I want to be in my life. Do I have to let go of my past to do that? Probably not. I don't think so. The past just shapes me towards the future. But I've done that already. Given up that is. Not on everything mind you. I did, I tried to give up for months now, and when I feel like I've been given up on, then I feel like shit. I never planned for that. It's a lot easier to give up on something that to be given up on. The worst thing about being dumped by something, anything, is that one person is so powerful, so strong, and the other is forced to be so weak. I've been dumped by the whole Milwaukee thing, which is funny, because I dumped the whole thing in July. But I held on, see, I never let go. It would have been easy to walk away then. Milwaukee 1 - Doug 0, yep. I've never been dumped in school. I have a shit ton of ladyfriends. Lots of pals, and I chose to walk away from all of them. Since then, 3 girls have given me the axe, 2 towns have beaten me. I'm a failure at 23 now. This is the time when hero's are made. (yeah, lame cliche', but it fit well). I'm going to bite the bullet. Eat the pain, see if my heart holds up, finish my car. Try to get some computer certifications. Try to get a Radio DJ job, and get out of here. I'm going to pick myself up and dust off, let the dust settle (yeah, that was really bad), and be a better person because of it. Ugh, that didn't go where I wanted it to. So fuck the past. I don't need it. I have goals. I know exactly what I want to be, what I want to do, and I'm goign on the right path to do it. It's just the toughest time of my life. Right now, the last 2 weeks have been the worst time of my life. No fucking joke either. What's really funny is excatly one year ago, this was the best time I ever had. THe life is waiting for me in Arizona. I've been convinced. I know what I'm goign to do down there, I know what job I'm going to have, where I'm going to live, and everything. The only thing holding my back is my desire to finish this car, which, even if I didn't want to finish it, I've invested too much time and money to quit now. I do kind of want to, because I'm exactly where I want to be for the move. When I first decided to move to Arizona, I though, "when I have this much money, and nothing holding me back, I'm gone". I do have that right now, and something about me is keeping me here. I don't know if it's the car, or what, but right now would probably be the easist time to move ever. Sorry, I can't type anymore, or I'm going to end up with a plane ticket before I go to bed. I'd hate myself for wasting that much money on a car that is going to sit in my shed. If you know why I'm not leaving, let me know. Because really, my car and for my dad are both just bad excuses. Why am I not moving now? And don't say it's because I'm afraid, because I don't have anything to worry about. The only move I was worried about was my stay by my fathers, and obviously, those fears have been realized. Adios good friend... November 25th, 2002 Damned Packers. There isn't much more depressing than wathcing them lose a big game. Yeah, I'm a big time Packer fan, and it just breaks me to see a loss like this. Seriously, it ruins me for a couple of days. I tend to be in a worse mood, and generally, things just don't go my way. When the Packers are good, my life is good, when bad, then nothing works out for me. I'm waiting desperately for a win here... November 30th, 2002 Well, I'm sure you are dying to hear about my Thanksgiving... Umm, I guess the best word to describe it would be unexciting. Yeah, that's it. I didn't have to work, surprisingly. I could have gone to my grandmother's and hung out with that huge family, but I never seem to be included in anything there. I mean, it's ok, I go to some family stuff, but I'm just so damned different from everyone there. I have three uncles, and one of them still lives with my grandma, the other two live within 3 miles of her. My grandmother has 4 sons and 4 daughters, and I think the longest drive for anybody would be a half hour. That's how close everyone lives to each other. Which is cool, don't get me wrong. I have about 30 cousins. I am the second oldest of everyone. Until my brother Dan went off to Gonzaga in Washington, nobody really left before. I took a 3 year hiatus from that family due to disagreements with my father, and lost a lot with that family. Now, when we get together, it's like I've been gone forever, and nobody really knows what to say to me. Probably because after I graduated I was so eager to put such a distance between that family and myself. I don't know, everyone is like the nicest person, but I just didn't feel like going. Oh well, life goes on. I'm not mad that I didn't go, or mad at anyone, I just don't get a whole lot of time to hang out and relax that much, and it sucks. I work so many damned hours, for just peanuts. Ugh.. Anyhow, I want to type a really big entry. I want to write this really great story about Rhonda too. You'd love it, I know you would. It's full of drama and funny things that I can add to it. Plus, I'm usually pretty good at finding the interesting parts of stories and bring them out. My dad told me a little thing about her, and I really want to make a big deal out of it. Just because it's funny. After he told me, I was working in the barn, thinking about what I was going to write on this page about her, and just laughing my ass off to myself. Seriously, rolling on the ground as I'm supposed to be feeding the cows. My dad must have thought I was crazy. Anyhow, you'd love it. She has inspired me to do a whole bunch of work on this site again. Make it more fun. The truth of the matter is that I drank a half of a bottle of Nyquil. Partly because my father has given me maybe my 5 cold of all time, and partly because I love how it messes me up. So I'm sort of on cloud nine right now. Actually, the f'd up part comes in and out, so I'm not totally in control of myself. I like being messed up a lot. Drown my sorrows in a drugged out haze. I got an email from Heath the other day. Pretty cool. If you've been following these entries at all, you'd know I screwed him pretty bad. Yeah, I was a total jerk about that, and when I left, he made sure I knew that. I don't hold it against him, actually, I thought he'd be a lot worse than what he was. I didn't handle it good. It's hard to just decide, one day, that you are going to leave your life behind. Which is essentially what I did. Things were falling apart for me, I was backed into a corner, and I decided, with literally no thought, that I had to get out of there. I called my Dad, made preparartions to do what I thought I needed to do to get out of it, and I was gone within a week. And I couldn't bring myself to tell Heath. Heath, the guy who has done more for me than any other person I know. Bent over backwards for me whenever he had to, and even when he didn't have to. Possibly the best friend a guy could have. Nobody meant more to me than Heath, and yeah, I took it for granted. I didn't realize things. I mean, I did, I was totally gracious, but never showed it. Didn't know how to. I always felt bad, that he would do so much for me, and I could never do anything in return. Made me feel selfish, and I hated myself for being selfish. I've tried so hard in my life to be as unselfish as possible, but still watching out for myself. The problem was probably that Heath was watching out for me, and i was wathcing out for me. I don't know. I don't know why I thought it would be easy to leave that guy behind. He has pretty much been the reason for every good thing that happened to me in my life. And I've screwed him in so many ways, and I couldn't feel worse about it. What's worse, is that I never knew how to make things better. If you saw us, and knew us, you'd wonder how we ever got along. Probably the only thing we had in common was that we both liked the Packers. But I couldn't get enough of hanging out with him. I don't know, his email was way cool though. He apologized for being a jerk, which I wish he wouldn't have. I'm the jerk. I don't know. I need to email him back, but I just can't find the words. I can type on these pages for hours and hours, digging into my mind, trying to figure out everything that I think, and yet, I can't tell someone how I feel, or even write up a good email. It's just one of those things I hate about myself. That I can never just lay it all out when I need to, or even when I don't need to, but I'm so good at writing up stuff like this. I guess it's a lot easier when you aren't waiting or expecting a response. For some reason, I just don't trust responses. I don't know what happened to me that made me that way. That I can't just open up to someone completely. Everyone I've ever known, I've always held something back. Nobody knows everything about me. Well, my old girlfriend Amy knows me. She knows most of me. I didn't hold too much back from her. But that was a long time ago, and not something I want to get back into, or even hold feelings for anymore. (just wanted to clear that up). Heath told me that I could never ask for help. That's true. I can't do it. Maybe I hate realizing that I can do something. I do that at work sometimes. I'll sit and stare at some peice of machinery for hours, trying to figure out how it's supposed to work, and never figuring it out. But then I see someone else do it, and I know it for life. Why don't I just ask. Do I have too much pride? Is that why I'm scared of a response, becaues of pride? I can't swallow it sometimes to make myself a better person? I can't tell someone I love them just because I don't want them to feel strange? Then they walk out of my life without no warning, and I can't bring myself to call or email them to ask them what brought on such a sudden change of heart? I don't need reasons, I just need closure. I hate asking of other people maybe, but why? God, I'd hate to think it was pride. I don't know where I'd get pride from. I'm so many different versions of myself. No wonder I can never know someone for more than a few years. I asked Jamie once what we were supposed to get out of our relationship, my being so far away, and planning on being even farther away. I just wanted to know why she wanted to know me, when she knew my life's goals. She got mad at me for just not letting this go the way that they do. (which I normally do, probably why that was such a left turn from how I usually am). So she told me that was it. No more. Didn't talk for a week or two, then she called me. "I knew that you would never call me" was what she said. That was right on. I wanted to call her, I wanted to know her, but I just didn't want to bother her, so I was never going to call. That must have made her feel like shit. I'm like that though, when someone says something like that, Heath told me, "what we have of a friendship is over", that was it for me. Yeah, I care about the guy. He's been my number 1 pal for the past four years, and he said that, and I was ready to walk away from it. I just do that sometimes. What the hell? Sometimes, I do so much thinking for myself, thinking of what I want only, then, when something like that happens, Jamie tells me to take a hike, Heath tells me we aren't pals anymore, I just leave it be. Ugh, depressing really. Good enough for tonight. Enough to think about. Until another time... Home © Doug Malcore 2002